Altercation
Leaving the out-of-commission wounded to rest in the cart and assigning them an escort, only the strongest move ahead to defeat the king of the frogs—the king frog fiend.
In a normal story, this is where the protagonist would be chosen as one of those members, but Lammis and I, the vending machine, are staying behind.
Of course, providing things to eat and drink is the whole point I’m here, so that’s only natural.
The six people assigned as our escorts are the so-called Menagerie of Fools, led by Kerioyl. If I had eyebrows I would be furrowing them right now over their naming sense, but all six of them had gone to slay the king.
The frog base—their settlement—should hold only the king and its henchmen, so we can wait here at ease. Which means it’s time to do business! I’ve been placed near the cart, so let’s rack up a few more points.
“Welcome. Welcome.”
“We have an assortment of warm food and beverages! Drinks are one silver coin apiece!”
Lammis helps me out in response to my calls.
It looks like perfect timing, as the hunters are just catching their breath. The cup ramen, tea, and sports drink sales begin to shoot through the roof.
At first, not many in the settlement liked the sports drinks, since they’d never experienced the flavors before. But when the hunters downed them after a workday had tired them out, it alleviated their exhaustion. Word got out, and now they’re hugely popular with hunters.
I’ve heard that this famous sports drink, with its blue-and-white logo, was developed in the first place for medicinal purposes. It’s excellent at rehydrating you, and I recall a few times when I had a cold or diarrhea and it helped immensely.
It’s the perfect beverage for the situation.
“Shoot. Getting to eat something warm without having to start a fire? Count me in.”
“And we don’t have to clean up, either, which is great.”
“I want one of these for our team, too.”
A vending machine’s capabilities seem quite convenient for the hunters, and a lot of people are glancing enviously this way. Captain Stubble was enough of a nuisance—do I have to start being cautious around the other hunters now, too?
Lammis seems happy I’m so popular. She’s smiling even wider than usual. I…can’t imagine she realizes the intent behind those stares, though.
“Sorry, could someone help me patch this guy up?”
“Oh, I’ll do it! Boxxo, you’ll be alone for a few minutes. But don’t cry if you get lonely, okay?”
“Please come again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I’ll be right back!”
She was teasing with her question, so I quickly returned the favor. She puffs out a cheek and pretends to be a little sulky, then runs off.
If I were a human, it might look like we’re a couple. But I’m an inanimate object, so…
“Oh, the softy is gone. Now’s my chance.”
A short, gangly man with marked buckteeth glances around and walks over. I know it’s a terrible offense to judge a book by its cover, but allow me this—he’s a sketchy dude.
He looks somehow like a stereotypical grunt, like basic cannon fodder. I instinctively want to call him a low-life thug. He’s whistling as he approaches, but his eyes are inspecting me up and down.
I follow his gaze—he seems to be looking at the coin slot.
“Let’s see. What to buy?” says the grunt-looking hunter in a purposely loud voice as he tries to stick a thin wirelike object into the coin slot.
Oh, so he wants to steal the money. I’ll have to respond in kind.
“Welcome,” I say at maximum volume.
“Hweh?!”
Oh, he becomes so scared he jumps. Thanks to my volume and his cry of surprise, several people are watching us. What will you do now?
“H-huh, it really can talk, eh? Pretty cool.”
He’s pretending to be impressed, but his smile is a shaky one.
If he buys something and leaves, I’ll leave him alone, but he doesn’t look that honest.
“Bastard. If you know what I’m saying, then just give up the money…unless you want someone to break you.”
So it’s come to whispered threats. Oh, he’s jabbing me with his toes. Interesting. He’s underestimating me because, as a vending machine, I have no arms or legs.
Why don’t I show him the true strength of a vending machine that can defend itself?
I drop a bottle of mineral water into my compartment and see joy light up the man’s face. Then, as he reaches in and fishes around for it…I drop another item in.
“Another sound— Ack, that’s hot, hot, hot! Hot— Gyahhhhh!”
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha. How do you like my burning-hot corn soup, heated to the maximum temperature? Why don’t I add some fuel to the fire?
“Get one free with a winner.”
After dropping several more cans of corn soup in, the man’s hand gets stuck inside. I will not allow you to harm my body and steal my money. I’ll let you suffer for a while.
“Damn, damn you, shitty box! I’ll smash you to pieces!”
The man pulls a short sword from his waist and swings wildly. I could repel it with my Force Field, but I won’t take much damage if it hits me. I’ll take the hit on purpose to let everyone know how foolish this act is.
After making my decision, I stare at the blade’s tip as it approaches, but right before it touches me, it stops right in its tracks.
“What are you trying to do to Boxxo…?”
Was that low, intimidating voice Lammis’s? She must have run over after hearing the noise. I didn’t know she could sound like that.
Feeling something grab at his wrist, the man turns around and freezes. That’s how fearsome Lammis’s expression is. Her ordinarily cute face now bears wide, scornful eyes, reflecting the frightening extent of her wrath.
“N-nothing! I was trying to get the item, and then it dropped so many on my arm that I can’t get it out!”
“But you did something weird to him first, didn’t you?”
Once again, Lammis shows how sharp and quick-witted she is. I think I’m in love.
“No! This thing just started acting up on me!”
“Boxxo, did he really not do anything strange?”
“Too bad.”
“See? Boxxo says you’re lying.”
“What? You’re gonna believe a metal box over me—?”
“Of course I am,” interrupts Lammis immediately. She has such incredible faith in me. I almost want to give her a hug. If only I had arms.
What I do have is one more canned present for the liar. It’s cool in temperature, but its weight will crush his hand.
“Ow, owwww, that hurts! Stupid box! Stop it!”
“Come to think of it, are you the one the captain told me to be wary of? Are you Gugoyle?”
“What? N-no, I’m not.”
Wow, he’s clearly suspicious. And a terrible actor to boot. He’s blatantly looking away, and there’s a bead of sweat dripping from his temple. He’s basically saying yes.
“Lammis, that’d be Gugoyle. Famous for his sticky fingers,” says an older man with a scraggly beard, sticking his head out of the cart. Oh, he’s the one who explained to his subordinates how to use the vending machine. I’ll mentally jot him down on my “good person” list.
“Hmmmmm. I don’t need to go easy on him, then, right?”
Lammis cracks her fingers, and despite looking down on the man with a smile, she looks somewhat terrifying.
The rest of the hunters end up tying up the man with straw rope and throwing him into the cart with the wounded. Things go smoothly, because apparently he has a criminal record of stealing money from hunters, and everyone neatly sided with Lammis.
Time passes idly after that. The ones who headed for the base are probably fighting right now. I don’t know how strong a king frog fiend is, but that also doesn’t give me any reason to worry. If I could talk, I could be seeking out information right now, but I can only listen, so I don’t have anything else to do.
“There were more of them than we thought, but we’ll get extra rewards for it.”
“I can’t wait to get back to the settlement and have a drink.”
The group waiting here is certain of our victory. Everyone is relaxing. In the cart are nine injured, and six are guarding them. Battles are unpredictable by nature, so it seems to me they’re not being cautious enough. Still, I can’t do any fighting, so I don’t have the right to complain. And I can’t talk that freely anyway.
I should earn enough points to add alcohol as a new product when we return to the settlement. Shochu and tonic, sake, and cocktails are all options. Which one would the people in this world like?
Come to think of it, would they be able to drink something carbonated if I provided it? Some kids get sore throats the first time they have a carbonated drink, after all. Well, they seem fine once they get used to it, so maybe I can stock some.
I had Lammis test it once before, but she couldn’t grasp how to open the pull tab. She fiddled around with it for a bit—shaking the can up—and as soon as she got it open, it sprayed all over her. Ever since then, Lammis has been afraid of carbonated drinks, so I haven’t offered any. Maybe it would be all right to permit it for someone else. And only as long as it’s low on the carbonation.
“It looks like this will end safely, huh, Boxxo? I’ll make you nice and clean when we get back, so hang in there just a little longer.”
“Welcome.”
I’m looking forward to that. It’s not as though I have a sense of touch, but I do sort of like getting wiped down with a moist cloth. It somehow refreshes my body and mind, and it feels good.
I was worried when I heard we’d be participating in the fighting, but it looks like we’ll be able to get home without any deaths among the hunters. I’m in a good mood, so maybe I’ll have a celebration sale when we get back to the settlement.
“Th-that’s not good! Hey, everyone, get out of here! That huge thing is coming straight this way!”
A man in the cart, his chest wrapped in bandages, is shouting and pointing into the distance.
Prompted by how desperate he sounds, I look over—and see a giant frog covered in flames hopping toward us.
