God’s Blessing on This Wonderful Shop!
1
And so we got a house.
Our biggest problem—how to survive the winter—was solved.
The four of us promptly moved into the new place, and although I had doubts about their personalities, in my heart of hearts I was excited to be sharing a house with three women.
“Hey, you—move it. I’m trying to work, here. If you’re cold, go curl up in your bed or something.”
Day one of our new lives, and already we were having trouble.
In winter the only monsters around were big, strong ones, so there was nothing to do but hole up in town.
I, however, wanted to hurry and repay the debt that was hanging over our heads, so I got some work from the Guild that I could do at home. But it was hard to make any progress with my hands going numb from the cold.
So I’d gone to set up in front of the fireplace in the mansion’s first-floor living area, but Aqua, who had apparently decided this was her personal turf, was presently clinging to the sofa and putting up a fierce fight.
“No way, my bed gets cold again as soon as I step out of it! If you want me to sleep in my bed again, you’d better heat my blankets on the stove or something!”
“Moron, you know we don’t have a stove here! Stop thinking about yourself and get out of here! Just whose debt do you think I’m trying to pay off with this work? I’ve got a few ideas about what I’ll do to you if you make this any more difficult!”
“Oh, you want to start something? My stats are way better than yours! You think you can take me mano a mano? The hearth is my sanctuary! Heaven’s wrath will punish those who trespass on iiiiiit!”
I gave her a little taste of heaven’s wrath, all right, in the form of a Freeze spell right on the nape of her neck. She cried out and tumbled off the couch she had been plastered to.
I sat on the now-vacant couch and laid out on the table the materials I’d been carrying.
“Hmph. Thanks for making room for me. If you’re not going to help with the work, go play with Darkness and Megumin.”
I made a shooing motion at Aqua, who was holding her neck and squirming on the rug.
In the middle of the room, Darkness and Megumin were playing a board game—this world’s equivalent of chess or shogi.
“Hee-hee! Behold the power of my army. I teleport an orc soldier to this space.”
“Megumin, the way you used your Wizard was indecent… I move my Crusader here, and—checkmate!”
“Teleport!”
In a world with magic, the rules of chess were a bit different. I’d tried the game with Megumin once, but about the time her king teleported off the board, I resolved never to play again.
Aqua stopped holding her neck and shaking, and she jumped up as if she’d suddenly thought of something. She pulled her Adventurer’s Card out of her bag and thrust it at me.
“Have a look at this, Kazuma! Look at the Level space! I have the highest level in this party right now. I’m pretty much a veteran! How dare a cub like you, not even Level 20, push me around! You understand? Now, cede that couch to your better like a good boy!”
I looked at the card she’d shoved in my face. Her level really had jumped. The field read 21.
I reflected: She had defeated the Demon King’s general, Beldia, and she had wiped out bunches of undead in the dungeon the other day, to say nothing of the Lich she had exorcized at the end of that adventure.
I was happy to see Aqua growing but also kind of disappointed that she’d passed my level…
…Huh?
“Hey, Aqua. Your level’s gone up, but your stats haven’t increased at all.”
“Silly Kazuma. Who do you think I am? My stats are naturally at the highest possible value already. They’re maxed! I also started with enough skill points to learn all the party tricks and all the Arch-priest magic, too! Don’t mistake me for some run-of-the-mill adventurer!”
Aqua’s card fell from my hand and I rocked back.
Aqua gave me a triumphant smile. She clearly had no idea what was going through my head.
That means no matter how high her level gets, her Intelligence will never go up!
I picked up the card and gave it back to Aqua, along with the couch.
“What’s this? How unusually meek… Hey, why are you crying? Are you that shocked my level is higher than yours? …Hey, now you’re patting my shoulders? Why are you being so nice to me? What’s with the pitying look?”
I left Aqua sitting on the couch. I’d lost all desire to work for today. I decided to go into town instead.
2
The town was blanketed in snow, and the cold seemed to have kept most people indoors.
As far as I could tell, to batten down for winter was the conventional wisdom here.
Pretty much the only ones who had it in them to armor up and take on the terrible monsters active in winter were the cheaters from Japan.
And maybe the only ones who had the time to wander around town in the cold were layabouts like me…
Well, me and the familiar, suspicious-looking figures up ahead.
They scurried along the road, checking out a shop that sat back from the street a ways. I called out to my two acquaintances.
“Keith! Dust! What are you doing out here?”
“Wha—?!”
They both jumped, startled at my voice coming from behind.
They were dressed in casual clothes that seemed kind of un-adventurer-ish.
“G-geez, Kazuma, don’t scare us like that,” Keith said, relieved to see it was me. “Sheesh, this is what you get when a guy learns Ambush…”
Of course, I hadn’t been using Ambush.
“’Sup? Not with your friends?” Dust looked around as if a little worried.
Well, he had suffered considerably at their hands. I didn’t blame him for being cautious.
“No, it’s just me today. Calm down. Are you that scared of them? I got sick of being at home, so I came out for a walk. What are you doing here?”
Dust let out a small sigh, relieved by my words.
“Oh, we… Nah, we just, y’know? Well, I guess if your lady friends aren’t here…that is, if you don’t have any women with you, there’s no problem.”
…?
What were they up to? How would women spoil it?
Reading the look on my face, Keith smirked and explained:
“It won’t matter to you, Mr. I’m-surrounded-by-beautiful-women-every-day. But Dust and I are lonely—”
“—Hey, hold on.” Dust interrupted whatever Keith had been about to say. Then he gave me a sympathetic look. “Keith…it’s not like that,” he said earnestly. “I know he looks like he’s got a harem, but he doesn’t. He’s one of us. He’s got it tough.”
Of course… Dust had learned the hard way what I was going through.
I decided. Debtor though I might be, today I was gonna treat Dust to a meal or something.
3
One of my fonder memories was from when I was a kid and I tried a sip of the beer my father had been drinking so happily. I spit it out immediately.
In my young heart, I swore I would never drink alcohol, but now here I was, in a fantasy world, drinking before noon.
It felt wrong, but then, both the laws and the customs were different here.
There was no law against underage drinking, but if you caused any trouble, you had to take complete personal responsibility.
I didn’t particularly like alcohol, but I made myself drink it, and gradually I got a fuzzy, floaty feeling.
It was nice. Was this why people drank?
As the three of us made merry at the Guild bar in the middle of the day, Keith grumbled, “Aww, man. There’s nothing to do in winter; it drives me nuts! Whoop, Kazuma, you can really put it away. Have s’more!”
He poured me another generous glass of wine, laughing boisterously.
Keith, apparently, was a happy drunk.
“Sigh… Winter means you don’t get to see any skin. I know how rough things are for you, Kazuma, but still…right about now, I can’t help but be a little envious,” Dust said with a deep sigh.
We weren’t the only ones at the tavern that morning, not by a long shot—maybe winter boredom drove everyone here.
There were plenty of adventurers who made a hikikomori like me look downright functional.
As that thought crossed my mind, I asked Keith and Dust about something that had been bugging me.
“Hey, what were you two doing out there, anyway?”
I was sure they’d been trying to decide whether or not to go into that one shop. I was sort of curious what it was.
The two of them looked at each other and nodded…
Keith set down his mug with a serious look.
“Kazuma. I think we can trust you. What I’m about to tell you is a shared secret among all the male adventurers in town. You must never let it out. Do you promise not to tell your lady friends?”
I nodded, the sudden gravity intimidating me a bit.
Keith gave a short nod back.
In a very quiet voice, so as not to be overheard amid the furor of the room, Dust began, “Kazuma. Did you know that in this town, some succubi run a quiet little shop where you can dream sweet dreams?”
I answered immediately with, “Tell me more.”
Dust, just a bit flushed, set down his mug and explained:
“There are succubi living in this town. They’re demons who feed on horniness—basically, men’s vitality. So naturally, they need human men.”
Nod, nod.
I leaned in to hear Dust’s impassioned exposition.
“So, yeah, they drain vitality, but the men and the succubi in this town have developed a sort of symbiotic relationship. Look, most of us sleep in stables, right? And we’ve all got certain, y’know…urges…but there’re people sleeping right nearby. Doesn’t matter how much you want it; you just can’t do it.”
“Y-yeah, sure.” I nodded.
I felt a bead of sweat on my forehead, even though I was certainly not feeling guilty.
Not guilty at all.
“Heck, I dare you to try anything on one of the girls around you. You’d be a punching bag for every woman in the area in seconds. Or if the girl has a hidden dagger or something, well, you might come out missing a couple of very important things.” He turned pale and shivered slightly.
Watching him, Keith said, “Still haven’t recovered from the trauma of that time you tried to put the moves on Rin, huh?”
“Sh-shut up, you! Anyway, this is where the succubi come in. While we’re sleeping, they give us awesome dreams. We get a little relief; they get to survive. They don’t take so much that we get totally dried up and can’t go on adventures, either. No one has ever been so drained that they got in any trouble by going there… What do you think? Win-win, huh?”
I nodded vigorously.
It was perfect! Beyond perfect!
The succubi didn’t have to attack random people, and adventurers living in stables could put their worries to rest. It probably even helped curtail sex crimes.
You know, I’d noticed how peaceful this town seemed. I’d always pictured adventurers as noisy, drunken brawlers, but there was little violence in this town, and you didn’t hear much about crime.
If anyone could find a moment of postcoital clarity at any time, no wonder there were no fights.
Incredible! What a wonderful system the world had come up with.
Keith looked at my rapturous expression and said, “Truth be told, we only just learned about this place recently ourselves. We were thinking we might make our first visit today. That’s when we ran into you.”
Dust took a quick gulp of wine.
“That’s the story. So…want to join us?”
“By all means.”
4
We had left the Guild Hall and were now standing before the shop from earlier with a touch of trepidation.
I would never have had it in me to go in by myself. But now I had two trusty companions. It was kind of like that weird thing where you can’t bring yourself to buy a dirty magazine by yourself, but you can manage it in a crowd.
It was a small shop in an alleyway somewhere off the main street.
At first glance, it looked like nothing more than a normal eatery…
“Welcome!”
She was gorgeous. The kind of body most men saw when they dreamed of the perfect woman.
Looking past the stunning greeter, I could see there were indeed only male customers inside the shop.
Similarly lovely, busty women flitted about the store. It was enough to make my chest tighten.
This was supposed to be an eatery, but there was no sign of food or drink on any of the tables.
Instead, everyone at every table was studiously filling out what appeared to be some sort of questionnaire.
The beautiful woman took an armful of menus, led us to an empty table, and smiled.
“Is this your first time at our establishment?”
The three of us nodded.
She gave a wry smile. “Do you know what kind of shop this is and what we are?”
We nodded again, wordless.
Apparently satisfied, she put the menus on the table.
“Order whatever you like. Of course, you don’t have to order anything if you don’t want to. And fill out these questionnaires, please, and present them when paying the bill.”
We took the questionnaires.
Maybe they used the sheets to match you up with the succubus who best fit your type.
I glanced at the questionnaire, but I didn’t quite grasp what I saw.
“Um, this says to specify your preferred situation, gender, and appearance…”
Situation made sense, but gender and appearance?
“You may wish to be a king or a hero—that’s your situation. As for gender and appearance, perhaps you want to try being a woman. Or some of our customers, for example, wish to be a young boy being overpowered by a strong female adventurer.”
I was a little worried about the adventurers around here.
Still, I was impressed you could be that specific. I guess it was a dream after all.
Keith raised his hand solicitously to ask the woman a question. “Um…how detailed can we get with the description of our partner?”
“As detailed as you like. Personality and character traits, appearance, whether or not he or she likes you—anything at all. You can invent a partner out of your imagination, if you wish.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Not at all, sir.”
It just slipped out, but she was quick to respond.
So it could be that famous woman, that girl next door, even your two-dimensional crush?
“Um…do we have to worry about the rights to use that person’s likeness or anything?”
“No, sir. It’s just a dream, after all.”
“Right, of course.”
Her ready reply put me at ease.
A dream…no problem.
Now it was Dust’s turn to raise his hand.
“So…no restrictions on the age of our partner either, right? I mean, not that I plan on… I was just wondering…”
“No, sir. Whatever you desire,” the succubus replied without blinking.
“A-are you sure?” I asked before I could stop myself. “No rules or anything?”
“Yes, sir. It’s just a dream, after all.”
“I guess so…”
No harm, no foul.
It seemed like a pretty sweet setup these succubi had here.
The three of us silently filled out our questionnaires.
“Thank you. As you’ve chosen the three-hour course, that will be five thousand eris each.”
What a deal!
When I opened my wallet at the register, I was pleasantly taken aback by the prices.
Of course, I’d never been to this kind of shop, so what did I know? But it seemed way cheaper than anything in Japan.
Reading my expression, the woman said, “We need only enough money to get by in this town, you see. The rest of our payment comes in the form of a little bit of our customers’ vitality.”
A smile slipped over her face.
Who knew there was a place you could literally buy happiness?
I was completely taken with these women’s giving and compassionate business model.
I had to become a regular here—I had to help their cause!
Almost unconsciously, I put my hands together in a gesture of worship and murmured, “O goddess…”
“P-please, sir, that’s hardly fitting! N-now, please let us know your address and when you intend to go to sleep tonight. One of our staff will be by around that time to help you have the dream you requested. Please refrain from alcohol use, as it isn’t possible to induce a dream in an inebriated customer.”
When she had finished her instructions, we left the shop.
The night was still young, but somehow we immediately found ourselves going our separate ways.
“Uh, see you next time, then!”
“Y-yeah!”
The two of them seemed eager to go home early.
But then, so was I.
It was quite a while yet till I’d indicated I would be asleep, but I wanted to hurry back and get ready, then go to sleep early.
I rushed home, not stopping for anything.
5
Aqua greeted me with a radiant smile when I got home.
“Welcome back, Kazuma! Rejoice, for tonight’s dinner is going to be amazing! It’s crab! Someone from Darkness’s home sent them as a housewarming gift! Beautiful red crabs with white specks! And super-expensive wine, too! Looks like they want to thank us for looking after their girl!”
I guess crabs were a delicacy here, too.
I’d never really gotten to eat crab in Japan. Who knew my first taste of it would be in a fantasy world?
“Ahh! To think! A party of poor adventurers living on poor adventurer salaries, having speckled crab for dinner! Never have I been gladder that I joined this group…!”
“Is the stuff really that high-class?” I asked Megumin, who was busy bowing in reverence toward the food.
Megumin did an exaggerated double take at my ignorance, then thrust her fist into the air and launched into an explanation.
“Of course it is! To make a simple comparison, if you told me I had to go without exploding something today in order to eat this crab, I would gladly do it, and then explode something after I had eaten the crab! That is how high-class it is!”
“Well, that is something! …Huh? What was that second thing you said?”
Darkness was setting the food on the table as we talked. Aqua was cheerily taking out glasses for each of us.
Then we all sat down and dug right in.
I pulled off a leg with a crack, dipped some of the pinkish-white meat in vinegar, and popped it in my mouth.
“?!”
The flavor overwhelmed me. Slightly sweet, packed with crabbiness, the taste spread through my mouth.
Everyone else savored their crab in silence.
Oh man! I can’t stop myself!
I cracked open the shell and started on the brown meat inside…
“Kazuma, give me a Kindle over here. I’ll show you a great way to enjoy pricey wine.”
As she spoke, Aqua, who had already torn through the brown meat in her crab’s shell, put charcoal in a sort of small pan and stretched wire mesh over it. She’d fashioned a crude brazier.
I cast my fire spell on the charcoal as she asked, and she set her shell on the brazier, a bit of brown meat still clinging to it.
She poured a trickle of alcohol into the shell. It was clear, like Japanese sake.
In high spirits, Aqua grilled the shell until it was lightly browned, then sipped the warmed wine right out of it…
“Ah…”
She let out a contented sigh.
The whole thing reeked of some old Japanese guy nursing his drink—yet the rest of us all gulped and rushed to try it ourselves. Suddenly I realized:
It’s a trap!
The delicious crab had made me almost completely forget about the impending succubus visit. Hadn’t the woman warned me I wouldn’t be able to get my dream if I was soused?
Calm down, now. I know how to buck up. Yes! I am a man of iron willpower!
Don’t get distracted!
Don’t get distracted just because Darkness likes it!
If I tried even one sip, that would probably be the end of it.
I’d just drink to my heart’s content, succubi be damned!
That’s what had happened with the crab, and the wine looked every bit as good.
“Darkness, give me some, too! Why not? Just once? I want to try the wine, too!”
“No. I heard if you start young, it messes you up for life.”
At that, Megumin suddenly glanced at Aqua, still enjoying herself. Darkness silently looked her way, too.
“…What?”
Darkness noticed me wordlessly resisting the scene and inclined her head. “What’s wrong, Kazuma? Never drank before? …Was the crab not to your liking?” She looked just a little concerned.
Nope, nuh-uh, crab was great.
“No, the crab was really good, for sure. I just had a drink while I was out with Keith and the guys earlier. And I’m not much of a connoisseur when it comes to wine, so for tonight… Well, I’ll have some tomorrow—how’s that?”
My excuse seemed to satisfy her. She let out a breath and gave a carefree smile.
No, stop, don’t give me that innocent look! Every other day you embarrass me and have nothing worthwhile to say—why today?
Why today?!
“Hmm? You think there’ll be any of this left tomorrow? I’m going to clean it out! Imagine—not drinking this! Yaaaay! I get Kazuma’s helping!”
Grrr. I’d never hated that idiot more.
Darkness smiled at me again. “Hmm. Well, at least eat up, then. It’s a way of thanking you for all your help.”
Her words made me realize I was doing something kind of underhanded, and I felt a pang of guilt.
Maybe I should just forget about it and have a drink with everyone.
Tomorrow I could apologize to the succubus for making her come all the way out here.
Yeah…enjoy a drink with my friends and get back to work tomorrow.
What were we talking about? Just a dream—albeit a realistic one—based on that questionnaire. Admittedly, they claimed you would remember the dream when you woke up. But it was still just a dream.
And look at Darkness. Look at all of them.
Which was more important?
Remember what you wrote on the questionnaire?
…Of course. There’d never been anything to worry about.
I ate all the crab I could take, then stood up.
“Welp, I know it’s a little early, but I’m off to bed! Thanks for the meal, Darkness. G’night, everybody!”
And with no further hesitation, I shut myself up in my room.
6
I locked the door and unlocked the window. That wasn’t specifically part of the instructions, but I figured it couldn’t hurt.
The succubus was already coming all the way out here. I didn’t want to put her to any more trouble.
We didn’t have a clock, so I didn’t know the exact time, but it had to be getting near the time I’d specified. I needed to get to sleep before the hour came, but with all the excitement—and nervousness—I couldn’t drift off.
Oh man, my heart is pounding.
Ahh, what am I gonna do? I’m too excited to sleep!
I didn’t know how long I lay like that.
I slipped out of bed. I thought I’d do some light exercise in the yard to clear my head. And maybe it would make me sleepy.
I left the house still in my pajamas.
Everyone else was asleep; all was quiet. The moonlight and my Second Sight skill made it easy to move around the yard.
As I exercised on the snow-covered grounds, it suddenly started to bug me that the grave of whoever it was over in the corner was getting buried in snow.
I went over and brushed it off, then saw that name, Anna, again.
I was satisfied with the state of the headstone, but now I was starting to get annoyed that I was covered in a sheen of sweat.
I guess I didn’t need to worry. I was just going to get a dream. But it was a matter of etiquette.
So I made my way through the silent house to the bath.
The special magical bath was a further testament to the house’s previous, noble owners. In a word, it heated the bath like a gas system but with magic. Because it required only a pinch of MP to work, even average people could use it.
I activated the heater and suddenly felt sluggish, perhaps because of the drain on my MP. Couldn’t help that.
I used Kindle to light the sconce in the bathing area and even put the little OCCUPIED sign on the door.
I stripped and put my clothes in the hamper so people would know who was in there.
In other words, I wanted to avoid one of those ridiculous mix-ups you see in manga all the time.
If I wanted to get into a situation like that, well, that was what the succubus shop and its dreams were for. I’d rather not get in such an untoward relationship with someone I had to live with.
When a woman walked in on a man in the bath, somehow it was always the guy’s fault.
A claim I would certainly dispute if it happened now. I’d scream even before she could: Lady pervert! Reverse sexual harassment!
“Ehh. I guess that sort of thing only happens in manga anyway,” I said to myself. I used some MP to heat the water, then sank in up to my shoulders.
I stretched my limbs luxuriantly, bathed in the gentle glow of the changing-room lantern. I sighed a deep sigh and felt sleep stealing over me.
7
I didn’t know how long I stayed like that, but I opened my eyes to a clatter from outside the changing room.
At first I thought I must have imagined it, but in a place this quiet, a noise like that was hard to miss.
Maybe the OCCUPIED sign had fallen off the door. I was pretty sure I’d hung it up securely, though…
Could it be Aqua, playing a prank by taking down the sign? Probably not at this hour; she’d be asleep.
Oh, well. It wasn’t like anyone was going to wander in at this time of night. My clothes were in the hamper in there; I’d even lit the lantern. Anyone who came by would know there was someone in here.
That’s what I was thinking when an unnatural wind blew in—right through the middle of the house—and doused the light.
I had the sense I wasn’t alone, just as I had when ghosts had beset us here.
But I wasn’t getting anything from my Sense Foe skill.
Aw, well. I could see in the dark. Who cared about the lantern? The moonlight filtering through the window of the bath was plenty bright enough.
So I lolled there, unconcerned…
…when I heard the door of the attached changing room open.
This time I really was startled.
What was with the weird timing?
Wait—whoever had come in had brought a light, so they would have noticed my clothes in the changing room.
They had a lamp. That meant it wasn’t Aqua, who could see in the dark.
That left Megumin or Darkness…
Suddenly, the mysterious visitor’s light blinked out.
“Wha…? Wh-what happened to my lamp…?”
From the other side of the glass, I heard what sounded like Darkness’s confused voice.
“…Oh, well. The moon’s out tonight; it’ll be fine…”
Then I could make out her form as she began to take off her…whoawaitwaitwait!
I was about to call out when it struck me.
It was too neat. Too improbable. Too…perfect. No matter how lucky I was.
Hang on.
The last thing I remembered was feeling sleepy and closing my eyes.
So this must be…!
Darkness walked into the bath area, still talking to herself and running her fingers through her long hair…
…and saw me, lounging in the tub in the dark. Our eyes met.
““…………””
Of course, we were both naked as the day we were born.
In the faint moonlight, Darkness’s alabaster skin seemed to glow.
Oh man… I’d always known she was sexy, but even I hadn’t realized what her proportions really were. I’d thought maybe all her training would have made her lean, but she was plump in all the right places…
Or maybe that was just the succubus, playing to my preferences?
Darkness stared openly at me, not trying to cover herself. I made a friendly gesture from the tub.
At that, Darkness sank to the floor, covering her chest, her mouth hanging open.
“Wh-wh-wh-wha…?”
“…? What’s wrong? Hurry up and come here, Darkness. Well, scrub my back first.”
“??!?!!”
I rose from the bath and sat on a round wooden stool with my back to her. Darkness didn’t seem to expect that; she just kept working her mouth open and closed.
There was something about her. Something fresh, something I liked. Guess that was what I got for having a succubus whip her up.
But…why was Darkness in my dream?
I had requested only a beautiful, slightly older woman with excellent style. Next time I’d have to be more specific.
“Wh-wh-wh-what are you saying?! What I mean is, how, er, um—How can you be so calm? A-and what do you mean, scrub your b-back? I have s-so many questions I can’t even th-think…!”
Wow! They had her personality down to a T. Way to go, succubus! Kudos!
“Oops, this is no time to be overcome with admiration. I didn’t say I wanted her to play hard to get—let’s get things moving here! …Hmm, come to think of it, I did put down beautiful, slightly older woman, excellent style but shy and sheltered. I guess this is fine, then.”
“?!”
Darkness was getting more and more panicked as I muttered to myself.
This was refreshing in its way, but was I supposed to be taking the lead in this scene?
“I get it; I asked for the sheltered type, but come on! My back ain’t gonna scrub itself!”
“?! Y-you mean anyone would know to scrub your back in this situation?!”
In the midst of her mounting panic, Darkness approached my back with great apprehension.
I let my eyes wander over her, but she crouched on the ground and covered her body.
“This is different. It’s nice. But—my back! I can barely wait anymore!”
“Y-you! Think about what’s going on! What would Aqua and Megumin say if they knew?”
“Well, maybe I’d ask them to join us in the tub.”
“What?! I don’t get you today…!”
“Hey, watch the racket. Do you know what time it is? You’re gonna wake up the whole neighborhood. Even you ought to know better than that.”
“You really want to talk about social etiquette in a situation like this? I-is it just me? Is it just me who doesn’t have any common sense? Am I the strange one?!”
“You’re always kind of strange. Well…since this is a dream, I guess you can make all the noise you want. Now, back, please.”
“Erg… H-how did this happen…? And yet he orders me so confidently… I hate being the submissive archetype!” she muttered, her cheeks flushing red as she turned toward my back.
A towel had appeared in her hand, and she knelt on the ground just behind me.
At last, she started to scrub. Not very well, but certainly wholeheartedly.
“Ahhh, that’s the stuff… Normally I’m the one who’s too shy. I kinda like this whole embarrassed take on you.”
“Wh-why, you—! Everything you’ve said and done today has been so…geriatric! Th-there, that should be plenty. M-may I please go now?” she said tremblingly, desperately trying not to look at my nakedness. Something about it just smacked of her innocence.
“Whaddaya mean, go now? I know you took some liberties with what I put down, but don’t act like you don’t know what comes next. How about you lose the towel?”
“No way! This is wrong! I might not be very worldly, but I know this isn’t right!”
Darkness’s eyes brimmed with tears and her cheeks were bright red as she shot back at me. Then we heard it:
“Intruder! Everyone, watch out! There’s an intruder in here!!”
It was Aqua, her voice echoing through the house.
Hey, I didn’t say I wanted to be interrupted just as we were getting to the good stuff!
I grabbed the towel Darkness was holding, wrapped it around my hips, and dashed out of the bath.
I glanced back at Darkness. She sat there on the floor, covering her chest, her upturned eyes brimming with tears.
Damn! I really wanted to get on with it, but first I had to go give Aqua a piece of my mind for interrupting us like that. I didn’t care if this was a dream!
When my towel and I got to the living area, I found Aqua holding a succubus—a girl, younger than the woman I’d met at the shop that afternoon.
Megumin, still in her pajamas, was pointing her staff at the creature threateningly.
“Kazuma, look! My spirit barrier caught this intrud—Yikes! There’s another one over here!”
“It’s me, you idiot! Wait, huh? What’s a succubus girl doing here?”
As I argued with Aqua, still clad in only a towel, I started to think the cast of this dream was altogether too large. And then I started to wonder…
Why would a succubus appear in a succubus’s dream?
“So I put a barrier around this whole house, right? And when it detected something, I went to check, and I found this thing trying to get inside, stuck in my barrier! Succubi only attack men, so she must have been coming for you, Kazuma! But you’re safe now—time for a good old-fashioned exorcism!”
The succubus gave a small yelp.
Huh?
Could things get any weirder than this?
Wait—could this mean Darkness…? The tub… Was it all…?
No! This wasn’t the time. First I had to deal with the succubus.
So Aqua had set up a spirit barrier without a word to me. Sure she had. It would hardly be the first time she’d gone above and beyond the call of stupid. Aqua had taken a step back from the succubus and was pointing at her dramatically.
“All right, say your prayers! ’Cause I’ve got my special extra-powerful anti-demon… Huh? Kazuma? I think you’d better stay back; there’s no telling what she might do to a man like…”
Wordlessly I stood between Aqua and the succubus. I took the girl’s hand and led her to the entryway.
“H-h-hey, what’re you doing, Kazuma? That thing’s a demon—she came to suck the life out of you!” Aqua shouted shrilly.
Megumin, who had initially been stupefied by my state of undress, now leveled her weapon at the succubus again and fixed the demon with a glare.
The succubus whispered to me, “I-I’m sorry, sir! Forget about me—I’m just a monster! I admit a spirit barrier was unexpected, but we succubi pride ourselves on our ability to sneak to a customer’s bedside. This situation is entirely due to my inexperience. It won’t do for you to embarrass yourself, sir—please, pretend you don’t know me! Let her think I’m a wild succubus and exorcize me…”
Carefully keeping the succubus behind me, I turned to Aqua and Megumin. I reached back and gave the demon a push toward the door.
Then I looked at Aqua and Megumin and put up my dukes.
“S-sir?!” the succubus whispered anxiously.
Aqua scrunched up her brow. “Um, what are you doing? As a goddess, I can hardly let some demon just walk away from me. Now, if you like that pretty face of yours, step aside!”
Was she a goddess or a street punk?
“Aqua, Kazuma might be under the influence of that succubus right now! He’s been acting strange—going on about dreams and preferences. You damnable monster—how dare you put me through that…that humiliation! I’ll kill you!”
There was Darkness, wearing a shirt and short skirt, her feet bare and her hair still sopping.
I took an involuntary step back at the sight of her bellowing tearfully.
“Kazuma, you are taking this much too lightly,” Megumin said with a touch of exasperation and a cold look at the girl behind me. “She may be cute, but she is a demon, a monster, and our enemy.”
That stare shook me to the core, but I didn’t back down.
I gave the succubus another shove: Hurry up and get out of here!
Aqua saw me. She took a step forward and settled into a crouched stance.
“Looks like you and I are gonna have to get serious here. Fine. Come and get me! Once I’ve beaten the pudding out of you, I’ll send your little friend to the next life!” Then, with a shout, she flew at me.
The succubus gave a screech in her small voice: “Siiirrr!”
There were some trusts you couldn’t betray, like a secret your friends had shared with you.
And there were some things you had to protect, like the sweet little demon whose only goal in life was to give some succor to lonely, horny men.
I clenched my fists.
“Bring it on!!”
The whole mansion was filled with our shouts, our hollers, our roars.
8
“……”
I could feel a silent gaze on my back as I quietly crouched in the corner of the garden, working.
I was cleaning the gravestone, as I’d taken to doing regularly.
“If you’ve got something to say, say it already. Anyway, I can’t believe you just went along with all that.”
“…! ……”
Standing behind me, Darkness seemed about to say something, then stopped.
She’d been hovering there silently, arms crossed, for some time. Frankly, she was making it very hard to work.
I’d taken a pretty epic beating the night before—it was three against one, after all—but at least I’d managed to help the succubus girl escape.
And Darkness conveniently assumed that whole episode was due to the succubus controlling me.
“…You really don’t remember anything about last night, correct? You have no memories of being under the succubus’s control?”
That was what she finally said. She really wanted to be sure.
“Sadly, no,” I replied. “I just remember having a very pleasant dream.”
Far be it from me to disabuse her of her very helpful assumptions.
It was better for both of us that way.
“I—I see. That’s…good. It…is what it is. Just an accident. It’d be better for me to forget it as well.” She paused. “But…well, you were so forceful, and it scared me a little, but it was also…not bad. Although I didn’t appreciate your trying to do as you pleased with me just because I’m unworldly.”
“Unworldly? You can’t be as sheltered as you look. Get some common sense, already! Nothing that happened last night was my fault. I lit the lantern and put the sign on the door; what could you possibly have thought—?”
“S-so you do remember? Was a succubus really controlling you?!”
Darkness shook me by the shoulders, but I barely gave her a glance as I kept cleaning.
I didn’t know who or what had played this ridiculous prank on us. But I was sort of grateful that they had.
Thus we finally established ourselves. We’d checked food, clothing, and shelter off the list; we’d manage the rest somehow.
I finally had a place to call my own in this world.
I expected to sleep very well that night.
And I would have, too. If it hadn’t been for one little public announcement that rang out through the streets and threatened everything…
“Destroyer alert! Destroyer alert! Mobile Fortress Destroyer is in the vicinity of this town! All adventurers, please prepare your equipment and come to the Adventurers Guild! All other residents—please evacuate immediately!”
