May We Do Away With This Outrageous Fortress!
1
By the time I got back to the house, it was pandemonium.
“Run awaaay! Run far, far awaaay!”
Aqua was busy turning the house upside down. Megumin, it seemed, had already packed—just one small suitcase. She was sitting nearby with a cup of tea, looking philosophical.
“Flailing about now will not do any good. We are going to lose our home and everything we own anyway, so why not raid the Demon King’s castle immediately?”
Getting my stuff ready to head for the Guild, I looked at them dumbly.
“Um…what’s with you two? What’s going on around here? There was an urgent announcement. Get your gear, and let’s head to the Guild.”
Aqua and Megumin seemed to notice me for the first time.
“What are you talking about, Kazuma? You’re not thinking about fighting Mobile Fortress Destroyer?”
Aqua sounded like she couldn’t quite believe it. She stood at my side, clutching her pillow.
I, for one, had no idea what was happening. I’d only heard the announcement.
True, the voice on the PA system had sounded pretty frazzled. That made me suspect things were bad.
“Kazuma,” Megumin said, “Mobile Fortress Destroyer, the biggest bounty on offer, is heading for this town. By the time it leaves, we can expect not so much as a blade of grass will remain—other than the followers of the Axis Church, I suppose. Even you cannot be so reckless as to fight it.”
“Hey,” Aqua whined, “why does everyone talk about my cute little followers that way? Wiz did it, too. Why is everyone so afraid of them? They’re all good, normal people!”
Megumin’s explanation, though, didn’t quite click for me.
Actually, I’d been hearing about this thing for a while now. I didn’t know what a “mobile fortress” was, but it sounded awfully big.
“Can’t you just handle it with an Explosion, Megumin? It sounds like it’s big enough for that you’d see it coming from a mile away. One good magical blast wouldn’t do it?”
“I am afraid not,” she said. “Destroyer is equipped with powerful magic barriers. One or two Explosions would not harm it.”
Geez, what is this Destroyer thing?
“My followers are all perfectly good people! Megumin, listen to me! Those nasty Eris followers must have started those rumors people are spreading! Everyone loves Eris so much, but she’s such a pill! She’s even less merciful toward demons than I am, and she’s a total wild child! I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she comes down to the mortal realm when she’s got time to kill! Respect Axis! Respect the Axis Church! Please!”
“Aqua, is it not enough for you to constantly claim you are divine? Must you also badmouth our Lady Eris?”
“Claim? It’s true! You have to believe me!”
I realized I didn’t see Darkness around anywhere.
“Huh? Where’d Darkness go?” I asked Megumin. Aqua had our Arch-wizard by the shoulders and was shaking her violently, on the verge of tears. “She should’ve gotten back before I did…”
“She is shut up in her room.”
If it’s not one of them, it’s another!
I had no idea what Destroyer was, but I’d finally gotten a house in this dang town, I’d finally become a regular at some dang shops, and above all—there was still something I had to do in Axel.
I might have failed yesterday thanks to Aqua’s spirit barrier, but next time…!
Without them, in fact, I might have been out of debt and out of Dodge long ago.
What if those kindhearted demons had to move their shop to some other town? Who’s to say they’d get enough business?
Well, first things first. I had to get my stuff and head to the Guild…!
“Sorry I’m late! …Huh, what’s with you, Kazuma?” Darkness asked the moment she saw me. “Hurry up and get ready. I assume you’re going to the Guild?”
She came down from upstairs wearing a set of heavy armor I’d never seen before. Over her usual armor she’d donned a cape of chain mail, and she’d even mounted a detachable shield on her left arm.
Maybe it was some sense of herself as a woman that kept her from putting on a helmet, even with all that.
I guess she hadn’t gone to her room in order to get ready to flee. She’d gone to make sure she had on her best equipment.
She did have her Paladin-like moments.
She probably felt she couldn’t leave the townspeople to their fate.
“Hey, you two, take a lesson from her! Don’t you care about the house—the town—we’ve lived in all this time? C’mon—Guildward ho!”
“What’s with the impassioned plea, Kazuma? Your eyes are really…sparkling. And we’ve lived in this house for, like, one day.”
2
“Yo, Kazuma! I knew you’d come! I had faith in you, buddy!”
When we reached the Guild, equipped with everything we had, we ran into Dust, who was also heavily armored.
I knew I could count on you guys to be here, too.
Keith and Taylor were with him.
I looked around the Guild Hall.
It was filled with adventurers of every stripe, wearing whatever they thought would give them the best protection.
They must love this town, too.
Was it just me, or did it seem like men were disproportionately represented in the crowd?
Come to think of it, I knew most of the people there. A ways away, I even saw Mitsurugi, who had come here from Earth like I had, bearing a magic sword.
He hadn’t noticed me yet, and I was just as happy not to have anything to do with him.
Maybe I would just keep my distance.
Finally, it seemed, enough adventurers had gathered.
“Everyone! You have our sincere thanks for responding to today’s emergency announcement. We will now be offering an urgent quest for the defeat of Mobile Fortress Destroyer. We request all present to participate in this quest, regardless of class or level. If it is judged impossible, everyone will evacuate the town together. You are Axel’s final bastion. Our fate is in your hands!”
The Guild employee had to shout to be heard over the din.
Employees then gathered around a table in the middle of the tavern area to create a kind of impromptu council room.
Wow, this really isn’t business as usual. This is tense.
Is Destroyer as dangerous as all that?
“We will now begin an emergency strategy meeting, everyone. Please be seated!”
Each of us obediently found a seat. How many adventurers did they have here? More than a hundred bodies had to be packed into the huge Guild Hall.
When I’d gotten a table, I took a good look at the adventurers around me.
…Erk. Mitsurugi was looking this way. He was staring straight at Aqua, who was fiddling with a cup of water to pass the time.
“All right, then. First, let me explain the current state of things. Ahem, does anyone need an explanation of Mobile Fortress Destroyer itself?”
A few of us, myself included, raised our hands.
The Guild employee nodded.
“Mobile Fortress Destroyer is a colossal golem initially developed by the country of Noise, a world leader in magic technology, as a weapon to be used against the Demon King’s army. It is shaped roughly like a spider, and its construction consumed a massive amount of the national budget. It is the size of a small castle, but the abundant use of magical metals means it is far lighter than it appears. It uses its eight giant legs to move at speeds exceeding those of a horse.”
Most of the people in the hall were nodding along as if they already knew all this. Apparently Destroyer was just that big a deal.
“Its size and speed are its most salient characteristics. It moves with tremendous quickness, and not even a large monster would survive being stepped on by one of its eight legs. In addition, powerful magic barriers, in keeping with Noise’s magic-technological standards, constantly protect it. For this reason, magical attacks against the fortress are all but meaningless.”
Expressions all over the room darkened at that.
It was dawning on all of us what a losing fight we were in.
“Hence, we must rely on physical attacks; however…if you get close enough to attack it, you will be crushed to death. Ranged weapons like arrows and catapults are therefore preferable; however…due to the magical alloys used in its construction, arrows bounce off Destroyer, and it can easily dodge any catapult that flings rocks large enough to assault it. Additionally, its torso boasts an autonomous midsize golem to defend from above against monster attacks, along with a turret to shoot down airborne objects. Further still, the upper torso is equipped with Battle Golems for offensive use.”
“On the subject of why Mobile Fortress Destroyer is rampaging to begin with, its original designer is said to still be aboard, controlling the golem even now. Given its speed, the fortress and its eight legs have already decimated much of this continent. Destroyer makes no distinction between people and monsters. It is widely believed that the only feasible response to Destroyer’s approach is to abandon the town, wait until the fortress has passed, and rebuild. We may go so far as to consider it a force of nature.”
The racket in the hall had been replaced by a silence so complete you could hear a pin drop.
“At present, Mobile Fortress Destroyer is headed straight for this town from the northwest… Ideas, anyone?”
All I could think was, This has to be, like, the ultimate difficulty level.
One adventurer raised his hand.
“Um, what happened to Noise, this ‘world leader in magical technology’? Surely they could develop some countermeasure against the fortress? Or at least tell us its weakness?”
“Noise was annihilated. It was the first victim of Destroyer’s rampage.”
There was a pause.
“…Anyone else?” the employee said hopefully.
Someone else raised a hand.
“Could we build a gigantic moat around the town…?”
“That’s been tried. An alliance of Elemental Masters worked with the spirits of the earth to create a giant pit, into which Destroyer fell. That did go as planned. However, the fortress’s mobility was unhindered—it simply jumped out of the hole. The plan had been to seal it in by rolling a rock over it, but they didn’t have time…”
“……”
Everyone simultaneously fell silent.
“Anyone else…?”
A third hand went up.
“How is the Demon King’s army resisting it? Hasn’t it trampled his castle? How are they protecting themselves from Destroyer? Has it at least inconvenienced them?”
“Word is that a powerful magic barrier protects the Demon King’s castle, beyond human strength to break. At the moment, the castle seems to be quite intact. It’s nothing to them if some wandering monsters get run over.”
Then the employee continued, “Anyone else?”
3
It was a tough meeting.
Someone suggested that we could use ropes to climb up on the fortress, but someone else pointed out that it was too fast for that.
How about a gigantic barrier, bigger than Destroyer itself? someone said, but the employee responded that walls had been tried before, and Destroyer had simply gone around them or smashed through them. At that, everyone was quiet.
Magic wouldn’t work. Get too close and it’d crush you. Aerial attacks would be shot down.
And it was quick as a wink, to boot.
No wonder Aqua and Megumin had been so set on running away.
At the table next to ours, Taylor seemed to be getting tired of the futile talk.
“Hey, Kazuma,” he said suddenly, “you’re an idea man. Got a plan for us?”
Yeah. As if.
I appreciated the vote of confidence, but my only idea to speak of had been to have Megumin blast it from afar, so I had run out of suggestions at about the time we heard its barriers neutralized magic.
I thought for a long moment.
Its barriers neutralized magic.
I turned to Aqua, who was killing time by drawing a picture on our table with the water in her glass.
“Hey, Aqua. You remember Wiz saying that if just two or three people were maintaining it, you could probably break through even the barrier around the Demon King’s castle? Maybe you could break through Destroyer’s—Whoa!”
All of a sudden I noticed the picture she’d been drawing, using nothing but water, and I was transfixed.
It was an absolute masterpiece. An image of a sublime angel contemplating a flower…!
“Oh, yeah, I guess she said something like that. But we won’t know if we don’t try. I can’t promise I can really break through the barriers.”
As she spoke, Aqua slid the picture back into her glass without a hint of regret.
“Aww, what’d you do that for? What a waste!”
“What’re you whining about? I finish one picture, then I erase it so I can start a new one.”
Loudly enough to be heard over our bickering, the employee said, “Break the barriers?! Destroyer’s barriers?!”
Aqua and I immediately became the focus of everyone in the room.
I waved my hands apologetically. “I mean—just maybe. No promises.”
This set off a commotion in the Guild Hall.
And then…
“Perhaps we could ask you to try it? If it works, then magic attacks might… Ah, but not just anyone could hit it. A town full of novices probably doesn’t have the firepower…”
The employee’s fretting brought the room to silence again.
Except for one adventurer.
“Firepower? We’ve got firepower. Even if she is a little crazy.”
Chatter again.
“Oh yeah, that weird girl—!”
“There was that one strange kid…”
“Hold it right there. If you are referring to me, I will have you stop now. Or else I shall show you just how crazy I can be.”
Megumin was standing with staff in hand. The other adventurers all looked away innocently.
The Demon King’s general, Beldia, was to blame for this. He had once called Megumin an insane whelp of the Crimson Magic Clan, and the nickname had stuck among the town’s adventurers.
As suddenly as she had stood, Megumin blushed with the weight of anticipation she bore.
“I—I doubt if even my Explosion could take down Destroyer in one…one blow,” she whispered, and sat back down.
So we needed at least one more. One more powerful magic-wielder…
Just as the Guild was being sucked down by the thought, the door opened.
“I’m sorry I’m late! Wiz, owner of Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe, reporting. I am certified as an adventurer, so I wanted to help…”
Wiz had on a black robe and the apron she wore around the shop; she must have been right in the middle of something when she rushed out to join the meeting. All she looked ready to help with was the mess hall.
But at her arrival, a cheer went up from the gathered adventurers.
“The owner’s here!”
“It’s the penniless proprietor!”
“I’m in your debt, Miss! I dream of your shop every night!”
“The owner’s here! We can do it! We can win!”
I knew Wiz was a Lich. But I didn’t know why she inspired such enthusiasm in the other adventurers.
I leaned over and whispered to Taylor, “Hey, Wiz is, like, a celebrity. Why’s she so popular? And what’s with ‘the penniless proprietor’? That’s insulting. Is her shop doing that badly?”
“You don’t know? Miss Wiz used to be a renowned magic-user, a powerful Arch-wizard. She retired and dropped out of sight for a while, but then all of a sudden she showed up in this town and opened that shop. It’s not doing so well because nobody needs expensive magic items in a town full of rookies. There’d probably be more demand in the Capital or somewhere. You know, someplace they actually fight big monsters and need rare herbs and super-pricey magical stuff. Everyone around here just goes to get a peek at the gorgeous shopkeeper—nobody actually buys anything.”
Yeesh. If they were gonna treat the place like a peep show, at least let her make a profit.
“Th-thank you for your patronage. I hope to see you at Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe… Yes, I’m the owner. Thank you very much. The Shoppe does appear to be headed into the red again…!”
Thus Wiz greeted the welcoming adventurers, bowing repeatedly.
Maybe actually buy something next time, ya bums!
“The owner of Wiz’s Magical Item Shoppe? It has been a while! On behalf of the staff, welcome! Please, this way.”
The Guild employee led Wiz, who continued to bow to all and sundry, to a table in the middle of the room and seated her there.
When Wiz sat down, the adventurers looked at the employee in charge with renewed hope.
As if in response, the employee said, “Now that Miss Wiz is here, we can resume planning! Let me summarize for your benefit, ma’am. First, Miss Aqua, the Arch-priest, will bring down Destroyer’s barriers. Then, the stra—Ahem, Miss Megumin will unleash Explosion on Mobile Fortress. That’s what we have so far.”
Wiz put a hand to her mouth in thought.
“…It would probably be best to target the legs with Explosion. Destroyer has eight of them, four on each side. Perhaps Miss Megumin and I could each cover a side. If we can take out its legs, we might be able to find a way to finish it off…”
The employee nodded along with Wiz’s suggestion.
That’s a Lich for you, I guess. She can even use Explosion.
Without its legs, the mobile fortress would be a whole lot less mobile, not to mention no one would have to worry about getting trampled anymore.
We wouldn’t even have to get onto the torso, with its dangerous-sounding Battle Golems. We could just keep an eye on the immobilized Destroyer and let Megumin wear it down with an Explosion each day.
And its creator was supposed to still be aboard. Who knew? Maybe if he was subjected to a daily magical barrage, he’d give himself up.
We put together a plan based on Wiz’s suggestion.
We covered a lot of contingencies, too, in case the plan failed. People suggested traps near the town, barricades, and more.
“All right. After the barriers come down, Miss Wiz and Miss Megumin will attack Destroyer’s legs with Explosion. A front line of adventurers armed with hammers and the like will be stationed along the fortress’s predicted route. In the event the magical assault fails, they will attack the legs with their armaments and destroy them. The fortress’s creator is believed to still be aboard, and there is a chance he will try something. Against this possibility, archers will be equipped with roped arrows to allow access to the main body. Lightly armored adventurers, please be ready to assist in boarding the fortress if need be!”
The Guild employee running the meeting reviewed the plan one last time and began to give everyone their instructions.
4
The citizenry had joined the adventurers outside the town limits and set up improvised barricades as quickly as they could. I spotted among the workers the boss of the construction company that had employed Aqua and me when we first came to this world.
We planned to meet Destroyer on the field just outside the main gate. People whose classes gave them trap-laying abilities set about laying them, even though they knew it was futile.
In front of the barricade was a group of people of the Creator class debating how best to draw a magic circle on the ground.
“Come on, Darkness,” I said for the umpteenth time. “I won’t think any less of you. I know how tough you are, but this isn’t a fight you can help with. Forget your dumb kink for once and fall back to the roadside with me. Okay?”
Darkness stood in front of the barricade that fronted the town gate. Our perv Crusader insisted she wouldn’t move from that spot and refused to hear any more about it.
She had stuck her new great sword in the ground and was resting both hands on the hilt. She looked into the distance, in the direction of the as-yet-unseen Destroyer.
At long last, she broke her silence.
“Kazuma. I know it’s my usual behavior that’s making you say such things, and I don’t blame you. But do you think I am so bound by my own desires in this, an hour of great need?”
“Sure I do. Why wouldn’t you be?”
She fell silent. Then her cheeks turned slightly red, and she went on quietly:
“I am a Paladin. And more than that, I have a reason to protect this town. Maybe I’ll tell you about it someday.”
She saw me nod and continued:
“I can’t tell you now, but I have a duty to protect those who live here. Most people probably neither know nor care about it, but I do. So tell me how useless my struggle is. Still, I won’t move one step from this spot.”
“You sure can be selfish and stubborn sometimes,” I said wearily. Darkness looked troubled.
“…Do you hate selfish, stubborn party members?” she asked.
“I guess when a certain Arch-priest is acting that way, I want to sock her one. But this kind of selfishness…no, I don’t hate it.”
I didn’t think too hard about those words. But Darkness seemed somehow relieved.
“…I see.”
5
“I couldn’t get her to move. If we want our stubborn pervert back in one piece, we’d better make this work,” I said to Megumin, who was waiting near the place we’d chosen to engage Destroyer, looking anxious.
“I-i-is that so? Th-then I must succeed! I’ll surely…!”
“H-hey, if I need to, I’ll just Steal away all her heavy armor and then drag her off by the hair.”
More importantly…
“Hey, there’s smoke coming from your head. Are you all right? What’s up with that? Trying to put on a show for me?”
“N-no, Lady Aqua, this is just…what happens when I’m out in the sun too long…”
Aqua and Wiz were leaning toward each other on the far side of the engagement point, talking about something.
All around Aqua and me stood adventurers armed with hammers and other blunt instruments that looked likely to be very effective against golems. There were Archers armed with arrows that had a hook on one end and a thin but sturdy-looking rope attached to the other. Once we’d immobilized the fortress, they would be in a position to board it at any time.
The Guild employee’s magically amplified voice rang out across the field:
“All adventurers, we have visual on Mobile Fortress Destroyer! All citizens, please leave the town and move to a safe distance! Adventurers, prepare for battle!”
Mobile Fortress Destroyer.
It reminded me of General Winter: a name some power-up-wielding Japanese had probably dreamed of on a whim.
I kind of resented whoever that was—until I saw the Destroyer for myself.
The first thing I could see was its head, cresting a far hill.
Slight though they were, I could feel tremors in the earth.
“I didn’t know it would be so big,” someone murmured.
Honestly, neither did I.
I knew, from long acquaintance, just how powerful Megumin’s Explosion was. And even I had to wonder: Would it really be enough to bring down this thing?
“Hey,” someone nearby said in a panic, “there’s no way we can fight this, is there? Can we fight this? There’s no way, is there?!”
“Create Earth Golem!”
The Creators summoned golems of earth. They stood behind Darkness as she guarded the town, as if at her service.
All the Creators in Axel were novices, too. They could try to create bigger or stronger golems, but the constructs would have proportionately shorter life spans. That was why they’d waited so long to cast the spell.
“It’s huge! And fast! It’s way more terrifying than I expected!”
The adventurers around me were starting to waver as the massive form drew nearer.
“It’s here! Heads down, everyone! Don’t stand in front of it unless you want to get squished!”
Whoever was shouting, no one was really listening to the last-minute instructions.
Such was the overwhelming intimidation of the fortress that loomed over us.
“Hey, Wiz! Is this gonna work? Is this really gonna work?!”
Aqua stood at a distance from Megumin and me, desperately seeking assurance from Wiz.
“It will. Leave it to me, Lady Aqua. I may not look like much, but I am a Lich, the most powerful of the undead. Once you bring down the magic barriers, just let me do the rest! …And if you can’t bring them down, we’ll all return to dust together!”
I couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but as I watched the two of them jabber, I turned to Megumin, trembling next to me. “Hey, calm down already. No one’s gonna blame you if this doesn’t work. We’ll just leave the town to its inevitable destruction. Don’t overthink it!”
“I-I-I-I-I-I’ll be fine! I sh-sh-shall destroy it with Explosion!”
She could hardly stop her teeth from chattering.
Not that I could fault her. This was new to everyone here.
“It’s coming! Ready for battle!”
Taylor’s voice, perhaps?
For some reason, I’d been entrusted to signal when and where Aqua should let loose her magic. The Guild had even given me a magical device similar to a megaphone so I could communicate.
I guess it must have been because I was the party leader of both Aqua and Megumin, two of the key figures in the plan.
I gathered Taylor had put a few good words in the ears of the Guild staff, too.
Almost before we knew what was going on, Destroyer was practically on top of us. It dominated the scene. You could hardly do anything but stare up at it. If I hadn’t been assigned to command—if Darkness hadn’t been so stubborn—I would’ve turned and run right there.
The top of the fortress was flat, like a battleship. Atop its deck was a towering shape that resembled a hermit crab, mounted with armored turrets. The whole thing looked like the world’s biggest spider.
Mobile Fortress Destroyer.
It may have been a stupid name, but it was no joke. The size of a small castle, it completely ignored our traps, the ground rumbling with its every step.
“Now, Aqua! Do it!”
It was on track to trample our town. We had it right where we wanted it.
On my signal, Aqua cast her spell.
“Sacred Dispel!”
An elaborate magic circle rose around her, and a ball of white light hovered in her hand.
She thrust out her hand and fired the ball at Destroyer.
It struck the fortress. Something like a cloak flashed all around Destroyer for an instant, then shattered like glass.
Megumin looked at me for direction. Her staff was quaking gently, and she looked profoundly uneasy.
What we saw must have been the magic barrier shattering.
That meant we should be able to hit it with spells now.
I raised the megaphone to my lips and shouted, “Wiz, you’re up! Take out the legs on that side!”
Then I turned to the trembling Megumin.
“Hey, you. Do you really love Explosion magic? I sure hear you talk about it enough. Are you gonna let Wiz show you up? Is your Explosion so weak it can’t even bust through a few giant metal legs?”
“Why, you—! To insult my name is bad enough, but this—!”
The anger seemed to burn off her nervousness. Megumin straightened up and began a clear, powerful chant.
Ruuuumble. Destroyer was nearly upon us.
One Lich, who’d left a career as a great Arch-wizard to run a struggling magical item shop.
And one crazy explosion lady, an Arch-wizard of the Crimson Magic Clan who had poured everything she had into this magic.
Together, they let off their most powerful attack on the biggest bounty around.
“Explosion!!!”
—Their spells unfurled in perfect unison, tearing every last leg off the towering enemy!
6
The suddenly legless Mobile Fortress Destroyer dropped to the ground with a resounding crash and an earth-shaking tremor, and then, succumbing to the law of gravity, it began to slide toward the town.
The giant, tumbling carapace didn’t even make it to the barricade, but slid to a stop about a nose-length away from where Darkness stood holding the front line.
Bits of exploded fortress rained down on us adventurers. There didn’t seem to be many bits left on Wiz’s side. Maybe her explosion had simply been so powerful, it had vaporized everything on that side.
Rather large fragments of leg, however, were pelting us on Megumin’s side.
Which meant…
“Hrrg… H-how shameful… Th-that is a Lich f-for you. My level simply is not high enough to match Wiz’s explosive power…,” Megumin muttered dejectedly from the ground.
I hefted her little body in my arms and held her up. Her face had gone white from using all her MP.
“I c-cannot bear it!” she said. “Next time… Next time, I will…”
“Right, right. You did good. Wiz is a Lich who’s mastered the magical arts; it’s no wonder she’s more powerful. Just do your best next time. Look, you did what you were supposed to. Nice work.”
As I tried to help her rest in the shade, she grabbed on to me.
“Another chance! Give me another chance! To…to prove my Explosion is strongest…”
“H-hey, leggo! Don’t grab my pants like that! Fine, I get it, you’re the best exploder! You just weren’t on top of your game today! I promise I’ll watch another explosion once your MP regenerates, so get off me and go rest somewhere safe!”
I dragged Megumin back into the shade and forced her to lie down. While the other adventurers were still busy dodging the hail of fortress pieces, Aqua and Wiz came up to me out of the crowd.
Darkness, though, hadn’t moved an inch; she was totally unfazed by the leg bits. She hadn’t even closed her eyes.
I looked once more at Destroyer’s dismembered body. It sat still and silent.
When the rain of debris had mostly abated and the adventurers had had a chance to settle down and take in what had happened, they let out a collective ooh of admiration.
As if we’d ever get off this easily.
Normally, this was the point where someone would say some careless, event-flag-tripping thing like, “We did it!” Maybe for once we could avoid that—tighten our perimeter, stay sharp…
“We did it! Mobile Fortress Destroyer, my foot! Talk about overhyped! Let’s head home and hit the bar, everyone! How much do you think a nation-annihilating superfortress is worth?”
“Idiot! Why would you say that?! Stop it before—”
The careless line came from Aqua, and though I tried to stop her…
…it was already too late.
“…? Wh-what’s this rumbling…?”
Wiz, who had been trailing Aqua, looked up at the fortress uneasily. It was clearly the epicenter of the tremors shaking the ground. Other adventurers joined her in looking up at the thing.
And then we heard it.
“This vehicle has ceased moving. This vehicle has ceased moving. Heat venting and dispersal of kinetic energy are no longer possible. All hands, leave the vehicle immediately and evacuate to a safe location. This vehicle…”
A mechanical voice from inside the fortress looped the message over and over.
“See that?! You just aren’t happy unless every time you take a step forward, you take two more back, are you?!”
“Wait—Hey, wait! This isn’t my fault! I haven’t done anything yet this time!”
7
As the evacuation order continued to sound from inside Destroyer, I gathered some nearby adventurers.
“Hey,” one of them said, “what’s with that voice? I don’t think we ought to stick around here…”
I agreed with him. But then, I figured pretty much everyone did.
“My guess is that thing’s about to go boom,” I said. The others frowned.
We could only imagine how much damage would be done if something that size exploded.
We didn’t even know how Destroyer moved—there didn’t seem to be much more we could do. The most we could manage, maybe, was to run…
But could I get our hardheaded Crusader to dump the town and come with us?
Hang on. We weren’t sure it would explode or that any explosion would damage the town.
Maybe I could use that to convince her to…
“M-my store! If anything happens to Axel, my store will be gone…!”
That was Wiz, on the verge of tears. She was thinking of her magic shop.
But…
“This vehicle has ceased moving. This vehicle has ceased moving. Heat venting and dispersal of kinetic energy are no longer possible. All hands, leave the vehicle immediately and evacuate to a safe location. This vehicle…”
The announcement looped on. But over it, I could hear somebody mutter:
“I’ll do it.”
I wonder who said that?
“…Me too. Now I remember why I stayed in this starter town, even though I’m past Level 30 already.”
W-we have a Level 30+ guy around…?
I got what he was saying, though.
“This town’s given me an awful lot. Well, it’s time for me to give back—or it’s all over!”
There was a long silence.
Well, silent except for…
“This vehicle has ceased moving. This vehicle…”
I raised the megaphone and shouted into it.
“Everyone who wants to be part of boarding Mobile Fortress Destroyer, raise your hand!”
Every hand around shot into the air without a moment’s hesitation. The Archers readied their hook-tipped arrows and let loose.
Archers had a skill called Deadeye.
It dramatically increased the distance an arrow could fly, as well as its accuracy.
The enhanced distance from this skill allowed the arrows to easily reach Destroyer’s plating, despite the heavy tips and ropes attached to them.
The hooks caught on bumps and protrusions along the fortress’s exoskeleton, and a tug on the ropes set them deep.
Then it was just a matter of climbing on up, one adventurer after another.
I guess by this point there was no need to explain that they somehow managed to climb in full armor, or faster than a person had any right to, or with incredible strength.
At length, the first adventurer on the rope scrambled up onto the carapace.
Person after person followed them, with morale so high it seemed they’d been training for this day all their lives.
“Get up there!” people shouted. They sounded like pirates raiding a defenseless village as they piled on to the massive fortress.
Aqua, intimidated rather than inspired by the unusually eager adventurers, tugged on my sleeve.
“Y-yikes… Kazuma, I’m kinda…kinda scared to go up there. There’s plenty of them now, right? I’m sure they can handle it. Let’s go home. Have a nice rest—tomorrow’s another day, you know?”
But we couldn’t do that.
My companions, my friends, were fighting up there.
“We’re not going home, dumbass. Are you blind? Look at those heroes! Your work’s only just starting. We’ll need a goddess to heal them. Unless you’re just pretending.”
Then I followed the others toward the fortress.
Even the Archers were already on board.
I shouted:
“Darkness, you stay where you are; your armor’s too heavy to climb up here, anyway! And Megumin, you rest! Wiz can do whatever she wants. Aqua, you’re behind all this, so come with me!”
“I told you, I didn’t do anything this time!”
Aqua, nearly in tears, followed me as I grabbed a rope.
And Wiz followed her.
When we got aboard, we found…
“Surround them golems! Bring ’em down with your ropes, then smash ’em with your hammers!”
You could barely tell who were the hunters and who the hunted. Various golems, small-type and battle-type, lay in pieces on the floor, victims of this town supposedly full of novice adventurers.
“Hey, you! I know you’re in there! Open up! Hey, somebody take a hammer to this door!”
“Come on out! You’re responsible for attacking our town—and you’re gonna pay!”
I looked over. Several adventurers were trying to pry open the door of the area that presumably housed the guy behind all this, the one who was rumored to still be aboard Destroyer.
We really looked like the aggressors here.
Whoops…
“One of the big ones got away!”
I looked toward the voice and saw a single Battle Golem.
It looked like some old-timey robot: boxy and bulky and clumsy.
And it was coming our way. Other adventurers rushed to help us.
But I had a special anti-golem ace up my sleeve.
“Hey, Aqua. Wanna see a neat trick? I’m gonna show you how to really use a skill.”
I flexed my hand, then thrust it out toward the advancing machine.
I was up against a golem.
That meant that if I could steal the right part, it would stop moving.
I’d done the same thing against some machine-type enemies in an RPG once while I was still in Japan.
This was simple. Use a theft skill on a machine, instant kill!
Let’s face it: Even I was getting better every day.
“Steal!”
“Wha…?! Kazuma, wai—”
Aqua seemed to guess what I had in mind, and she called out to stop me…
…but I already had the golem’s massive head in my outstretched hand.
The headless golem, of course, stopped dead.
Perfect!
The giant stolen head sat in my hand. It was giant and heavy…heavy… My hand was dragged to the floor.
“Arrgh! My arm! My arrrrm!”
My self-satisfied expression gave way to weeping, and the nearby adventurers hurried to roll the golem head off my hand.
“Gosh! Are you all right, Mr. Kazuma?! It’s best not to use Steal against opponents with exceptionally large pieces!”
As Wiz fretted about me, Aqua inspected my hand.
“It’s broken, Aqua, I’m sure it is!”
“Not a crack. I’ll go ahead and cast Heal on it, but don’t do anything stupid like that again, okay?”
H-how humiliating…
“We got it!”
Some adventurers had broken open the door to the towerlike structure with their hammers. Adventurers began to pour into it.
I guess nothing scared them at that point.
They didn’t even seem to mind the warning still blaring over the speakers as they rushed in with no regard for party balance or anything.
Aqua and I followed after our bold compatriots.
There were several golems inside, but they were efficiently dispatched.
Adventurers didn’t usually work together easily, but when they did, it was a sight to behold.
As we worked our way into the structure, we found a throng of fighters outside a particular room. Everyone wore subdued expressions; it was as if the adrenaline had simply vanished.
Taylor emerged from inside and said, “Oh, Kazuma. Good timing. Have a look at this.”
He seemed oddly downcast, too.
I looked. He was pointing to a bleached human skeleton.
The creator was on board the fortress. Sitting alone, in a chair in the middle of the room, surrounded by golems.
I called Aqua and motioned her into the room.
I pointed wordlessly to the skeleton, and she just shook her head.
“He’s already moved on. He’s not becoming an undead—he doesn’t even have a shred of attachment to this life.”
…………
“You’re kidding. He must have had some attachment. Look at this! He died by himself, alone…”
Aqua seemed to notice something as I spoke.
It was a diary, buried beneath a jumble of papers on his desk.
Aqua picked it up. Everyone else, sensing the mood, fell silent.
All the adventurers looked on. The only sound was the mechanical voice repeating its warning.
Aqua began to read the journal aloud—
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. Our nation’s bigwigs are nuts. They want me to build a mobile weapon on this budget? It’s impossible! And I told them so, but it fell on deaf ears. I wept, I begged, I got on my knees, but they wouldn’t listen. I tried to quit, but they wouldn’t accept my resignation. I tried to pretend I’d lost my mind and ran around in nothing but my underwear. But all that happened was one of the female researchers suggested I should hurry up and take off the underwear, too. I fear all may be lost for this country.”
Everyone seemed to be looking at the skeleton.
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. The blueprints are supposed to be ready today. What am I going to do? I can’t tell them I still have nothing but a blank sheet! I’m desperate, and I can’t give back their advance, because I already drank away everything they paid me. While I was contemplating the empty blueprint earlier, my hated nemesis, the spider, crawled across the sheet. I screamed and smashed it with some object near to hand. Right on my blueprint. Paper of that quality is immensely expensive in this day and age—yet if they demanded reimbursement, how would I pay them? The hell with it. Maybe I’ll just submit the blueprints as they stand.”
Uh…huh. The mood in the room had grown tense. Aqua kept reading.
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. My blueprints were unexpectedly well received. I suppose I shouldn’t tell them how impressed I am that they can bring themselves to touch a dead spider. Production, in fact, is plowing ahead. Holy moly. All I did was kill a spider—and they made me chief of production! Yahoo!”
I started to wonder if Aqua was just making this up as she went along, but her face was absolutely serious.
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. Production somehow continues apace despite my failure to actually do anything. This project doesn’t even need me! Ehh, so what? I’ll just live my own life… They’ve been bugging me about a power source, but what of it? I’ve been saying from the start this couldn’t be done. I told them, fine, bring me some Coronatite—a legendary, über-rare gem that can produce power endlessly. I told ’em, good! I’d like to see them try and bring me that stuff.”
………
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. They brought it to me. What am I gonna do? The bastards actually brought it to me! We’re setting it up in some sort of reactor. What do I do? I just said Coronatite because I figured there was no way they’d ever get any! And now they have! What will I do if it doesn’t work? What will happen to me? The death penalty? Will I get the death penalty if this thing doesn’t move? Please work, please, I’m begging you!”
It almost seemed like our collective gaze bothered him…
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. They say the first test of the motor is tomorrow. But I haven’t done anything. I smashed a spider. I guess this is the last day I’ll get to lounge in this chair… Thinking about it makes me angry. Real angry. Fine! Time for a drink. It’s my last meal—I’ll drink all I can stand. Everyone’s home for the day. It’s just me here in this mobile weapon. I’ll drink and I’ll make merry and no one’s gonna complain. Now, let’s start with the expensive stuff!”
As Aqua stood there reading, the skeleton almost seemed to quaver under our eyes…
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. I woke to a terrible shaking. What could it be? What’s going on? How much did I drink? I don’t know. In fact, I can’t recall anything about yesterday. The last thing I remember is going down to the reactor and lecturing the Coronatite. No, wait. I have an image of myself threatening the gem, telling it I was going to burn it good, and then pressing my cigarette to it…”
Aqua had totally ceased to look up as she read.
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. I understand now. And it’s over. This thing is on a rampage. What do I do? They’re going to blame me for this. I must be on the Most Wanted list by now. A little weeping and a heartfelt apology won’t be enough to get me out of this one. Darn… At this rate, they’ll probably blow the mobile weapon to smithereens, drag me out, and put me to death. Dammit! Curse the bigwigs, curse the king, curse the lady researcher who de-pantsed me and laughed! If this country were to be annihilated, what would be the loss? Forget it. I’m going to have a drink and go to sleep. Thankfully there’s plenty of food and wine on board. Maybe I’ll have some new idea when I wake up.”
Someone made a fist; you could hear the clench throughout the room.
“Month Such-and-Such, Day So-and-So. The country has fallen. Destroyed! Kaput! Granted, the citizens and the bigwigs all seem to have fled safely, but still—I annihilated a country. Oh, man! I feel great! I feel satisfied at long last. I’ve made up my mind. I’m never leaving. I’ll live out my life here. Heck, I couldn’t get out even if I wanted to. There’s no off switch. The guy who built this thing must have been a real idiot—Oh, wait! That was me!”
Was that the end? Aqua, looking somewhat distraught, said:
“Th-that’s the end.”
“What the hell was that?!” we all said.
Only Aqua and Wiz weren’t among the chorus of voices.
8
“So this is Coronatite. How are you supposed to get it out of there, anyway?”
We were in the heart of the mobile fortress.
Figuring there’d be no point to all of us going in there, the task had been left to Aqua, Wiz, and me.
In the center of the room was a small stone—the Coronatite—surrounded by a metal grille.
The precious gem gave off a continual red glow, as if it were on fire.
But what was the story with this grille? We obviously couldn’t get it out with that around it.
…Oh. That was the point: one last line of defense in case the fortress was attacked.
You could easily fit a cigarette through the grille, but you couldn’t reach in and get the stone.
“What’re we gonna do?” Aqua said. “…Oh! I’ve got it! Remember that guy with the magic sword? Maybe he could—”
But I broke in:
“Forget swords. We don’t have to slice anything when we can just…Steal!”
“Oh! M-Mr. Kazuma!”
Even as Wiz cried out, the Coronatite jumped through the grille and into my hands, just as I’d hoped…
…still glowing red.
“Yeeeoowww!”
“Freeze! Freeze!”
“Heal! Heal! …Geez, Kazuma, what are you, stupid? You usually seem pretty clever, but ever since that thing with the golem earlier, I’m starting to wonder if you’re actually a complete idiot.”
Man! To get told off by Aqua and not even be able to come back at her…that sucked.
The Coronatite had burned my right hand and nearly caught my sleeve on fire, but Wiz’s quick work cooled it down in a hurry. It rolled out of my hand and came to a stop by her feet.
“Now, this is no good. I don’t think we have much time… It looks like it’s going to go off at any moment. Oh, what should we do…?”
While Wiz fretted, the gem at her feet glowed redder and redder.
The mechanical warning voice had gone quiet, too.
Clearly, the stone had powered all the fortress’s functions.
But handling something like this was way over my head. Frankly, it was beyond all the adventurers in the fortress at that moment. So I did what anyone does when they’ve tried everything else—I asked for some divine intervention.
“Hey, Aqua, can’t you seal this thing up or something? Isn’t that what goddesses do with evil forces?”
“Yeah—in video games! Wiz, come on, can’t you do something about this?”
There was our self-proclaimed whatever—foisting all her dirty work on the Lich, as usual.
I expected Wiz to say it was impossible. But instead…
“I can, but…I don’t have enough MP. Ahem…Mr. Kazuma, may I ask—!”
She drew closer to me, a somber expression on her face.
“Wh-what is it?”
Looking at her wits’ end, Wiz placed her palms on my cheeks and touched my lips with her thumb.
Then she asked in a rush:
“May I drain some from you?”
“Gladly.”
What, you thought I was gonna ask how, like a letch?
That I was hoping for a better moment?
Nah. I wasn’t so dense that I didn’t know to step up at a time like this.
“Thank you very much! All right, here goes…”
Wiz’s full lips somehow filled my vision.
Mom! Dad! I had to go all the way to a fantasy world to do it, but I’m finally gonna be a ma—
“Forgive me, Mr. Kazuma! Drain Touch!”
“Yaaaaaaagghh!”
“H-hey, ‘Mr. Kazuma’ is gonna be a dried-up husk if you take any more!”
Aqua hurried to stop the drain, and Wiz politely took her hand away before I lost consciousness.
What a letdown.
I mean, not that I hadn’t had a sense of what was coming.
“This will allow me to use my Teleport spell! But…where should I send this? The only places I can send things are Axel town, the Capital, and my dungeon. What to do, what to do…”
So she was going to teleport the stone somewhere.
“Why not just send it to that dungeon?”
“Th-the dungeon I’ve registered as a teleport location is the biggest dungeon in the world. It used to be a major center for the collection of magical items, and now it’s a famous tourist destination…!”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Man, this is bad! That gem’s not even red anymore—we’re into white here!”
As Aqua and Wiz dithered, I kept casting Freeze on the stone… It was like trying to keep a snowball safe in Hell.
“There is one possibility. Random Teleport sends the target to an undetermined location. The problem is, we really have no control over it—so if we’re lucky, it’ll wind up in the ocean or on top of a mountain, but if not, it may land in a populated area…!”
Wiz knitted her brow, her voice almost cracking.
Random Teleport?
“Who cares?! It’s a big world! There’s gotta be a better chance of it landing somewhere deserted! Do it—I’ll take full responsibility! I may not look like much, but I’ve got Luck to spare!”
Wiz nodded, then intoned loudly:
“Random Teleport!”
9
“So what happened? Where’d the Coronatite go? It wasn’t anywhere near here, was it?”
Wiz and Aqua exchanged an uneasy look.
Whatever. The first thing we had to do was get out of here.
When we emerged from the room, we found the other adventurers had taken out every golem on the deck—and had assumed the cessation of the warning was a signal to withdraw.
We were the only ones left on board; everyone else had already made their way down the ropes.
Even the researcher’s bones had abandoned ship; they were in a wooden box.
I collected Megumin from the shade of her tree and hefted her onto my back, then found Darkness among the crowd of triumphant adventurers. Still she stood, statue-like, in front of the town.
While everyone else celebrated, Darkness alone remained vigilant.
“Hey, Darkness. We managed to take out Destroyer’s heart. It’s over… Phewww. That really took it out of me. Let’s go home, maybe treat ourselves to a nice meal for once.”
Darkness, however, murmured quietly:
“It’s not over. I can smell a powerful opponent from a mile away, and the fragrance of danger still hangs heavily here. Nothing’s over yet!”
As if in response to her words, Mobile Fortress itself began to quake with a series of tremors.
Hey—didn’t we take out that thing’s power source?!
“What the heck is going on? A-anybody know what the heck’s going on?”
“S-s-s-stay calm! Times like this, all you have to do is—you know! Just cut the red wire or the white wire or whatever!”
“That’s a bomb, you moron! What I mean is, why is Destroyer still active when we took out its core?!”
The others adventurers had noticed something amiss, too, and promptly tried to put as much distance between themselves and Destroyer as they could.
“Wh-what are we going to do?! All the pent-up heat inside that thing is trying to get out! And I can’t Teleport something that big! You see the giant crack in the front of Destroyer that our Explosions made? That’s where the heat is escaping! At this rate, the town will—”
“Cram it! Nobody wants to hear it! Kazuma—Kazumaaa! Do something, quick!”
Aqua interrupted Wiz with her ridiculous demand.
Geez, you dumb… I mean, what could I do?!
Wiz was pleading with the nearby adventurers:
“MP! Somebody give me their MP! If I put an Explosion right in that crack, it’ll cancel out Destroyer’s explosion!”
I rushed up and grabbed hold of her, whispering fiercely, “H-hey, Wiz! What’re you doing?! No one else knows you can drain! What do you plan to do if everyone finds out you’re a Lich? It’s one thing for a human like me to use Lich skills—but if they start looking too closely at you, you won’t last a second!”
“B-but I’m the only one who can stop that thing! And I can only d-do it by draining…!”
I held up a hand to stop her.
“No. I can drain, too. I’ll drain MP from someone here, then pass it to you. It’s an extra step, but it’s our only choice.”
Drain Touch not only absorbed HP or MP from a target but could also grant them to a target as well.
MP, MP…
“Come on, Darkness, don’t just stand there being stubborn—let’s go! Run far away! We can start fresh! …Hang on a second. Our whole debt is with the Guild in this town, so if it goes up in smoke—!”
“Hey, self-proclaimed whatever, c’mere a second.”
She was busy spouting useless nonsense, but at that moment all I could see was that she was probably bursting with MP.
“What do you want? You think I have time to be messing around with you right now? I need to—Aaaaaahhhh?!”
Aqua didn’t have so much as a moment to fight back against my Drain Touch ambush.
“Hey, you hikiNEET! We have an emergency here! What do you think you’re—?!”
“Yes, it’s an emergency! That’s why I did it! Shut up and listen for a second. I’m going to give your MP to Wiz, and she’s gonna plant an Explosion in Destroyer. It might just work!”
“No way! You’re gonna share my MP with some undead? Yuck! Anyway, if you put too much of my holy magic power into Wiz, she’s bound to just go poof, disappear!”
I spun toward Wiz. She was pale and nodding.
“R-remember earlier? I only took a tiny bit of MP from Lady Aqua, and it made me feel terrible…”
Kind of like food poisoning. I guess Aqua was telling the truth.
Which left…
“Looks like today’s your big break.”
I slid Megumin off my shoulders.
10
“Y-you know what you’re doing, right? You won’t take too much, will you? Will you?!”
“Yes, I know! What do you think this is, one of your dumb party-trick performances? Just trust me.”
“That’s not what I meant!”
Aqua was seated in front of me, legs tucked under her, so I could drain her MP at any time.
Next to her, Megumin held her staff up toward Destroyer, standing so I could give her MP at any time.
“Mr. Kazuma, a drain is most effective where the skin is thin,” Wiz explained with a serious look. “You can both absorb more and grant more in such places! Also, the heart is the source of MP, so draining from a spot near the heart is most efficient.”
Where the skin is thin, huh?
So that was why she touched my lip when she drained me.
That wouldn’t work. It’d totally send the wrong message.
…Hang on a second.
“I am ready at any time! To set off two Explosions in a single day… Today is a great—Yeeeeek!”
I placed my right hand on Megumin’s back and felt her muscles go stiff as she shouted.
“What do you think you are doing?! Your hand is so cold; I thought I was going to have a heart attack! What is this? Sexual harassment? The world is ending, and you’re trying to cop a feel?!”
“No, you idiot! Didn’t you hear Wiz? I’m not trying to cop anything; I’m looking for the most efficient drain! Thin skin, near the heart—the back, obviously! H-hey, geez! Aqua, stop fighting me! We’re trying to save the town here! Just be grateful I’m not using the front!”
At my pronouncement, Aqua only doubled her efforts to keep my hand off her back.
“Th-there’s no more time!”
Wiz’s shout was almost a sob.
We compromised: I used Aqua’s and Megumin’s necks.
With that, I was able to take MP from Aqua and give it directly to Megumin.
“This is something! Aqua’s MP is really something! I think I will be able to unleash my biggest Explosion ever with this!”
“M-Megumin, do you still need more MP? I feel like you’ve taken an awful lot…”
She was right; I’d already packed a bunch of MP into Megumin’s little body.
Aqua may have been a pretty worthless goddess, but she was still a goddess: No matter how much MP I took from her, I didn’t sense her supply was running low.
“A little more! I can handle a bit more… Oof! Maybe!”
“What do you mean, maybe?! What happens if you get too much? Are you gonna burst?”
No sooner had she issued that disturbing pronouncement than Megumin removed the patch from her left eye, raised her staff, and began to chant.
The now-familiar sound of the Explosion incantation echoed around the plain, around the adventurers who all watched from a safe distance.
“Let all other things be as they may! In Explosive magic alone—I shall—not—be—outdone! Here goes! My ultimate destructive magic!”
Heat flew from the tip of Megumin’s staff into the great fissure in Destroyer, which seemed ready to go off, too.
Red eyes glowing, our sore loser of an Arch-wizard shouted so loudly I thought she might pop, herself.
“EXPLOSION!!”
