Side Story 1: A Sidekick Is Born
“Umm, hey! You dropped this.”
Those were the first words I heard him say. He wasn’t speaking to me, though. He was talking to a girl from our school—apparently, he’d picked up something she’d dropped on the ground. It looked like a train pass or something.
“Huh...? Ah, thank you so much!”
The girl blinked a couple times, then realized what had happened and blushed with embarrassment. She started thanking him profusely, and he just stood there awkwardly as me and the other students behind me passed him by. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but I’d encounter him once again later that very same day after Oumei High’s entrance ceremony.
“My name’s Ayase Kaito. Hope we all have a good year together!”
By the time he introduced himself to the class, I was already impressed with him. This is probably gonna sound rude to everyone else, but he had a certain celebrity-esque aura that set him apart from all the rest of our classmates. His hair was a natural-looking brown; it didn’t seem dyed from what I could tell. His voice was mild and pleasant, and his facial features were perfectly balanced.
His general aura of sincerity completed the picture: it was exactly the sort of atmosphere that surrounds those legendary beings they call “protagonists.” Never could I have dreamed that one would exist in the real world!
I felt myself grin. This might just be my lucky day! In a certain sense, high schools are overflowing with a special, particular sort of energy. This world’s filled to the brim with works of fiction, and those that take place in the modern day are overwhelmingly set in schools like mine.
Common sense tells us that applying that sort of fictional concept to reality’s a load of nonsense. Common sense would also lead you to believe that the life I myself had led up to that point could only happen in fiction. Sure, this world looked perfectly normal at a glance—nary a sword or sorcerer to be seen—but that didn’t necessarily guarantee that I couldn’t be caught up in another story regardless.
That carried implications. Big ones.
So I figured that if I was going to get dragged into a story regardless, I might as well make sure it’s one that’s set in a world I can stand. A peaceful world, with neither war nor bloodshed. And if I could successfully blend my way into a world like that, playing the role of an utterly unremarkable extra, then maybe—just maybe—I’d be freed from the endless sequence of nightmares that seethed constantly within my skull. For that sake, I’d be as pathetic and cowardly as I had to.
“Hey, what’re you smirking about? It’s your turn!”
“Gaaah?!”
A beautiful woman stood before me. And I mean, like, beautiful beautiful! Her suit gave her a real career woman sorta vibe, and she had adultlike charm for days. Even when she was glaring. Which she was. At me. What’s an actress doing in my high school?! I glanced around the classroom, looking for the camera, but there wasn’t a single one to be seen.
Oh, right! Of course! She’s my teacher, Daimon-sensei! She’d just introduced herself to the class, and I’d already thought something stupid along the lines of “Oh, daaang, look at her! Do they hire high school teachers based on looks these days, or what?” mere moments before. Apparently, I’d been so entranced by Ayase Kaito that my previous line of thought had been blown totally out of the water.
Anyway, I was in a fix. Didn’t think I’d screw the pooch that quickly. Literally every single student was staring at me, and naturally, that included Ayase Kaito (who was sitting right next to me! Hot damn!) himself. In a situation like that, if I hoped to work my way towards the position I wanted, there was only one valid option! Okay, so there were probably a lot of options, but I could only think of one, so I decided to run with it.
“Student number seven, Kunugi Kou!” I popped out of my seat, sending it scooting backwards with a clatter, and locked eyes with Daimon-sensei, who was slightly hunched over as she glared down at me. That brought me really close to her face, and I could feel my virgin heart flutter. Her eyes widened slightly too—she must’ve been surprised. But this is no time for observation! Now’s the time to take the helm and ride this storm through!
“That’s ‘Kunugi’ as in the species of oak tree plus the first character in Thursday, and ‘Kou’ as in steel! I’m fifteen years old, and,” I took a deep breath, then desperately shouted at the top of my lungs, “I’m currently accepting applicants to be my girlfriend! Thanks! That’s all!”
I said it. Oh god, did I ever say it! A hush so profound you could feel it on your skin dominated the classroom. That was the path I’d chosen: to become the rom-com protagonist’s comedic, slightly perverted best friend. Though really, “best friend” implied a lot more screen time than I intended to give myself. I’d bury myself in the background noise of everyday life, so calling myself a best friend sidekick/extra might’ve been closer to the point.
My mind was made up: I’d turn Ayase Kaito into the rom-com protagonist of my dreams, and latch onto him like a parasite, acting as his trusty sidekick! Frankly, I was incredibly ashamed of how I was acting. My face felt like it was burning up, and I may well have been blushing. Thankfully I was seated in the classroom’s front row, so at the very least nobody could see my expression quiver with profound embarrassment. Except, that is, my beauty of a homeroom teacher.
“Wha...?” She stared at me, completely dumbfounded. And kept staring. In total silence. Looking right at me as I shivered with shame. I probably looked like some sort of tragic clown, makeup washed away by his own tears, and Daimon-sensei clearly had no clue how to deal with me. From what I’d heard, Oumei High was one of the most academically rigorous schools in the vicinity, known for the diligence and character of its students. As such, class clowns like me were a rarity.
Daimon-sensei’s atmosphere in that moment was downright demonic, but judging by her appearance and complexion, she was probably quite young—if I had to guess, I’d put her in her late twenties. I doubted she had much experience dealing with students who acted more like horny apes than human beings.
Think! Yes, I’ve wandered my way into a labyrinth of humiliation and dragged Daimon-sensei with me, but there’s gotta be a way to get us both out of it! I wanted to reinforce my slightly pervy class clown image, preferably without getting murdered in the process. Meanwhile, Daimon-sensei wanted to show off what an excellent teacher she was by skillfully dealing with the problem student before her. Probably.
Looking down just a tad, my gaze landed on her elegantly slender hands. I was all right with the idea of my little performance ending violently, as long as it was over quickly. I could take a slap without complaint. It’d take some serious sexual harassment to pull that off, though—I had to set it up very carefully so that nobody would blame her for smacking the crap out of me.
I looked back up at her face. Our eye contact lasted for barely a couple seconds, but all I could do was pray that she got the message anyway and jump in headfirst.
“Let’s cut to the chase! Marry me, Sen—”
“Drop dead!”
“Bugaugh?!” I didn’t even manage to finish my sentence before she dunked her attendance sheet right onto my skull, clipboard and all. Perfection. We were so fabulously in sync, you’d almost think we had it all scripted out in advance. She was already reaching out for the clipboard on her desk by the time I got to the first syllable of “marry.” Most people would’ve missed that detail, but I caught it.
That said, it didn’t look like she had a lot of experience bludgeoning people. A hundred-point smack would make a nice, vivid “thwap” noise, but wouldn’t actually hurt very much at all. Hers, in contrast, let out more of a dull “thud” and hurt like hell, so that’s a failing grade for sure. Hopefully she’ll polish her skills for future attempts.
The self-introductions continued while I was slumped over on my desk, (pretending to be) passed out. Overall, the girls in my class were exceptionally attractive. I figured that was another point in favor of this being a rom-com world—it was checking off all the standard requirements one after another.
It was a shame that the ultra-gorgeous top student in our grade level, Kiryu, was in another class, but there’d be plenty of opportunities to get to know her outside of our lessons as well. Speaking of genre conventions and clichés, the principal’s speech at the opening ceremony was way longer than hers, and an absolute snoozefest to boot. Supposedly all grade levels are obligated to attend the ceremony, but I swore to myself that I’d skip it next year regardless.
In the end, I stayed facedown on my desk for the better part of my first day in high school. That sounds more impressive than it actually was, though—that first day was occupied solely by self-introductions and a bunch of explanations from our teacher, which didn’t really take much time at all. From the look of things, we’d get our textbooks and stuff during our first real classes.
Speaking of, I discovered a love letter that had been nonchalantly slid between my folded-up arms at some point over the course of the class. And by “love letter” I mean “instructions to personally carry my entire class’s worth of textbooks and class materials to our room before the start of our first lesson.” Ooooh, that stupid windbag! I was enraged, but had totally missed my chance to sit up and call her out on it, and was left to consider my options for how best to approach Ayase Kaito instead.
There were an awful lot of barriers standing between me and becoming his comedic best friend sidekick. To start, there was the danger of the character I’d chosen to play already being represented in my class. The majority of high schoolers are irredeemable horndogs who’ve been thoroughly possessed by the evil spirits of adolescence and puberty. Academically rigorous or not, it was possible that there’d be somebody in my class who was naturally like that, and since my persona was manufactured, that could be a real issue.
Buuut, I’d actually already nipped that potential pitfall in the bud! Congratulations to me! My self-introduction and Daimon-sensei’s subsequent outburst of violence ensured that any class clowns lurking in the shadows would be staying there until further notice. Nobody wants to see the same joke get rehashed that quickly, so busting it out as early as possible let me monopolize the class clown position by force. I railroaded any potential competitors right out of the picture!
That wasn’t the only roadblock in my path, though—not by a long shot. Next up was finding an opportunity to strike up a conversation with the protagonist. The classic move would be to tap him on the shoulder and go, “Hey, bro! You look like a pretty chill dude to hang with. I totally dig your vibe! Wanna be best buds?!” or something to that effect, but that move was a bit too “uuuhhh” (for lack of a better word to describe it) even for my taste.
Besides, pulling off a successful SST (Sudden Shoulder Tap) requires you to be sitting behind your target. They’re too far away when you’re off to the side, and reaching all the way over to them’s just not natural enough. When your target’s beside you, you’re pretty much limited to “oops, I dropped my eraser” and passing notes.
Plus, if I wanted to deepen my bond with him, a shared secret was a must. Aiming for the suspension bridge effect seemed like a very solid option. In other words, my goal was to talk to him during a time when we weren’t meant to be talking at all! Midway through the opening ceremony or during the orientation that followed it would’ve been optimal, but he hadn’t been on my radar yet when the ceremony happened, and I’d just spent the entirety of orientation “passed out.” Not to mention that finding an opening for a secret chat’s totally impossible when you’re sitting in the front row!
Grr... An opening! I just need an opening! Just the slightest chance to let me become his best friend... Please, God, I only need one chance! I’ll do anything in exchange!
“Hey.” As I growled with barely-repressed frustration, I felt a tap on my arm. Wait. A tap?! Oh, crap! Was I being too conspicuous?! Did I just get myself SST’d?! I sat up with a start and a shout. There wasn’t anyone in front of me, which meant that my mysterious poker was...
“To the right!”
“Whoa!”
“Huh?!” I spun to the right so suddenly that Ayase Kaito, the culprit, jumped with surprise. Wait. Ayase Kaito...?
“S-Sorry, my bad,” he stammered. “You looked like you were having a nightmare, so I thought I should wake you up.”
“Y-Yeah, thanks for that. Guess it was all just a bad dream after all... I thought I’d gotten assaulted by my homeroom teacher on the very first day of school. Crazy, right?” I found myself chattering away before I knew it.
Ayase Kaito responded with a chuckle. “That wasn’t a dream, actually...” Him proactively approaching me wasn’t part of my calculations at all. Rom-com protagonists usually only have eyes for the girls in their class, so it never even occurred to me. That was actually one of the barriers I’d thought I would have to surmount to get at him. “Umm, my name’s Ayase. I sit right next to you...?”
“Kaito, right? I remember you from the introductions.” In fact, he was the only part about the introductions I remembered. Actually talking with him, though, I was surprised by how nervous he seemed—or rather, timid, maybe? He still had his protagonist aura blazing at full strength, but he wasn’t really anything like him at all... Wait. Why’d I just compare Ayase Kaito to him...?
“Y-Yeah, that’s me! Thanks for remembering, Kou-kun.” Calling me by my first name right from the get-go? He’s a friendly one, but I can do better than that!
“No problem! You can drop the ‘kun,’ by the way. I’ll just call you Kaito too, if that’s cool.”
“Sure! Will do, Kou.” This was definitely an act of divine intervention! I got to talk with Ayase Kaito—or rather, with Kaito, and it wasn’t even hard!
His personality was a bit off from what I’d expected, but he had the makings of a genuine protagonist for sure. The absolute best period to set a rom-com in’s the second year of high school, since that’s the year you have classmates, senpais, and kouhais all on the table, so I had plenty of time to nudge him in the right direction before it really mattered. At least I could count myself lucky that he didn’t turn out to be a “talk to me at your own risk” edgelord type. And, more than anything else, I was just happy.
“Kou? What’re you grinning about?”
“Oh, nothing, really!” I’d been self-importantly blathering on about my master plan for ages at that point, but to be completely honest, deep down I was really just happy to have made a best friend. Kaito had looked a bit bemused, but barely a moment later he was smiling along with me. And barely a moment after that, our conversation was interrupted.
“Kaitooo! Let’s go hooome!” A lovely lady burst into our classroom out of nowhere!
“Oh hey, Tsumugi,” Kaito replied.
“Whaaat?! Kaito, you’re talking to a dude?! That never happens!”
“Wait, hold up! Who’s this girl?!” I interjected.
“Name’s Kotou Tsumugi! I’m Mr. Ayase Kaito’s most important person! No, not his SO—I’m his more-than-friend, less-than-lover!”
“His...” I paused. “W-Wait, how’s that work out?”
“Too much, too quickly, Tsumugi.” Kaito shook his head. “She’s my childhood friend, Kou.” Oooh, his childhood friend! In other words...
“She’s basically your friggin’ girlfrieeeeeend?!”
“Whoa!”
“Ooooh, that wasn’t a bad shout at all!” Kaito was taken aback, and Kotou smiled cheerfully. To be clear, I’d anticipated that he’d probably have a childhood friend or two. He was a rom-com protagonist, after all.
“Don’t get the wrong idea, though,” she continued. “I’m his childhood friend, sure, but we’re not dating yet!” Yet, she says! Kaito didn’t really react to that at all, though. Maybe he’s the dense type? Classic!
“Grrr,” I growled, “and just when I was planning on forming the League of Unpopularity with you!”
“S-Sorry...” Kaito’s shoulders slumped. He looked a lot more put off by my feigned hostility than I’d expected. That reaction... Wait a minute. He’s got the sort of personality that lets him be pushed around, and he has Kotou, a charming childhood friend. Plus, he has the sort of protagonist-aura that girls go wild for. Then there’s the fact that he took a joke like that so seriously that he actually seems to think he’s about to lose his new best friend (me). There was no doubt about it—I knew exactly what sort of character he was, which left me with only one choice!
“Heh heh heh... Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!” I burst out in over-the-top, maniacal laughter. Then I boldly declared, “I’ve had a revelation! This is how it finally happens—getting into high school and making friends with Kaito will, at long last, give me the chance I’ve always needed to evolve into the super-popular man of my dreams! Right, Kaito?!”
“E-Err, I guess? Maybe?”
“I think you mean absolutely! Right, Kotou?!”
“Nope, don’t think so!”
“Merciless!” She cut me down in a single verbal stroke, and Kaito cracked up.
Yeah, this works. This is as good as it could get. I’m Kaito’s sidekick. I’ll make him a star, leading him towards happiness from the shadows as his guardian clown.
I have to make him happy, one way or another, and if one of the steps along that path involves me making friends with him, I swear I’ll pour every fiber of my being into it.
I swore it internally, of course—wouldn’t make an oath like that out loud. Maybe I was using that oath as a replacement for the one I’d failed to fulfill before, but even if that were the case, I would make good on it.
“Okay, wanna head home?” proposed Kaito.
“Sure,” I replied.
“Okey dokey!” chimed in Kotou.
“By the way, Kotou, you said something about childhood friends being more important than SOs earlier, right? Isn’t being in a relationship with someone pretty much as intimate as it gets?”
“Huh? Doesn’t ‘SO’ mean ‘slight obstacle’? Like, a person who looks like they’re in your way but doesn’t matter at all in the long term?”
“What sort of twisted world view’s that?!” Mental note: the protag’s childhood friend is real scary! Kotou beamed, and I was terrified. I leaned over and whispered into Kaito’s ear. “Hey, is she being serious?”
“Ha ha ha, yeah, probably. I think she’s just misinterpreting the slang. She doesn’t mean anything bad by it.”
“I have so many questions about that girl...” I could only hope that the rest of his heroines would be a little easier to understand.
