Epilogue: My Feelings
The past 15 years of my life have been a living hell, to be totally honest.
I bet the people who think they know me would never believe what I just said—they’d just tell me to count my blessings. I mean, I was born in the Ike household, where I could unlock my full potential. You know what they say: success breeds success. Thanks to my upbringing, I’ve been able to excel at anything I wanted: studies, sports, anything, really. That's why anyone who knows me would call me a spoiled little brat for saying that.
They don’t know what I’ve been through, however. I've always been compared to my brother, who's able to effortlessly reach the highest points I couldn't reach, who's able to do anything I struggle with with absolute ease. He's someone I haven’t been able to defeat. Not even a single time, no matter how hard I've pushed myself.
At some point, I felt my will breaking, and all I could do was fall into a depressed slump. It was like no matter what I did, I just couldn't beat him. I just gave up and conceited defeat. I reluctantly accepted my role as “Ike Haruma’s sister,” as if there was no other choice for me at all.
That’s why I decided that once I got to high school, I'd make one last attempt to get back at him for all those years of misery. I thought that by ruining his relationship with his best friend, I’d somehow feel better about myself.
Yeah, I know. I was nothing but an ungrateful bitch. A pitiful child who relished in the misery of others.
Haruma always spoke of this guy as being the most amazing and reliable person. I thought that since my brother approved of him, he must've been totally harmless. And then I got the greatest idea ever: I'd get close to his best friend and monopolize him by pretending to be his girlfriend. That way, Haruma wouldn't get to be around his friend, and I could keep all those creepy guys away from me. Haruma did mention that everyone stayed away from him, for some reason. It was perfect—two birds with one stone, y'know?
So, yeah, I initially approached Tomoki Yuuji with the intention of getting back at my brother. I didn't really expect much from the relationship—I figured I'd set my expectations too high and would just end up disappointing myself when he didn't meet those lofty goals. I figured he wouldn't be able to understand me, and our relationship wouldn't last long.
But I know now that my plan is a total bust. After all, he told me what I'd been wanting to hear the most: that he had his eye on me from the start, that he acknowledged how hard I'd been working this whole time.
Of course his warmth and kindness would gradually warm my heart. How could they not? Ever since then, it seems like I've gotten “the wrong idea” about our relationship—I value it more than anything in the world.
☆
It happened on our first day back at school after Golden Week. We were returning home and chatting.
“Sure, let's do it. If you get the top spot, I’ll treat you to whatever you want. But, if you don’t… you’ll have to make me a bento.”
He just proposed a bet, totally out of the blue, with a slight smile on his face. He looked straight at me with his clear, beautiful eyes, and I couldn't help but blush.
Ahh, c'mon! Whenever I’m around him, my heart starts beating like crazy!
And what was up with him asking me to make him a bento again?! I swear, he was gonna make my heart explode!
I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was able to hear how loudly my heart was thudding in my chest. I mean, it was going full throttle… Wait, what if he did hear it?! He was super close to me, so it's possible! Oh god, I really hope that wasn't the case!
“Oh my god, Senpai. I didn’t know you liked my bentos that much! So that's your prize, huh? Wow, what’s next? Asking for my hand in marriage? Like, should I be worried here?”
“Chill. I'm just asking for a bento, not your hand.”
“...J-Jeez! It was obviously a joke! And I'll make you a bento whenever you want. You don't need to bet over it!”
If he really wanted me to, I could make one for him every single morning. But since I couldn’t really tell him that, I just dropped it.
“Oh, well, if that’s the case… how about we forget the results? You make me a bento, and I'll treat you to something. How's that?”
“Huh? Seriously?! Nice! I’ll feel way better about making you one now! Man, now I feel kinda bad. I wasn’t really planning on actually doing it, but if you’re going to treat me to whatever I want, then…”
He’s amazing! Just the sweetest!
I looked at him, and he gently smiled in response. Then, he asked,
“One question, though: I know the bento you gave me the other day was an apology and all, but wouldn’t it just be easier to buy me something from the cafeteria from now on? Why would you go out of your way to make lunch for me?”
Wait, what? Seriously, dude? That’s your question? I take back what I said before. Isn't it totally obvious why I'd make them, you dumbass?!
“Well… it’s just 'cause my precious boyfriend asked me to do it!”
It took me a second, but then I realized I'd essentially just confessed, hadn't I? Had I come on too strong?
“...Uh, your fake boyfriend, you mean,” he replied calmly, looking over at the horizon. He was the total opposite to me—I was about to have a heart attack.
Okay, Senpai—I know it was kinda forced, but is that seriously how you reply to a maiden’s confession? That’s cold, dude.
I mean, I know it might’ve sounded like a joke, but still… That’s when I realized I should think about it some more.
I do love Senpai. Actually, I really love him. Like, a lot. I know it sounds kinda fake, but I'm serious. I'm, like, head over heels for the guy. I know he just sees me as “his fake girlfriend” and “a freshman he cares about.” And I was fine with that kind of relationship until just the other day. Yeah, I was fine with it…
Not anymore, though—I don’t want us to just be a fake couple anymore. I want us to be real. I want him to like me as much as I like him.
He’s a nice guy, and super reliable. I feel safe whenever he's around, and it's always fun being with him. He’s also super dangerous when he lets loose. How should I put it? It’s just, like, if I left him alone, he’d just revert back to his old ways.
More than anything, though…
He’s the first one who saw me as who I was. He's the first one who called me by my name—Touka, not just “Ike Haruma's sister.”
So ever since that day, I haven't been able to stop the aching in my chest.
I’d started running before I’d even noticed; I'd left Senpai behind. I found myself stopped in front of a railway crossing gate right as it was going down. The train was about to pass through… Perfect. It gave me a great idea.
I turned around to face Senpai.
As the train approached, it enveloped us in a loud, rhythmic thunking sound. I decided I'd tell him right when the noise was at its loudest, when the sound of the tracks dominated everything else. Would he hear me? I didn’t know.
It’d be fine.
I wanted to express my feelings out loud, but I’d rather he didn't hear it.
He looked so confused. His expression was so cute that I couldn’t help but smile.
I faced him and prepared myself. I needed to unleash everything that I'd had bottled up inside of me.
And when the train passed by…
All sound vanished.
“Although our relationship may be fake, my feelings became real a long time ago.”
Just like Senpai sees me and accepts me for who I am, I do the same for him.
He's reckless. He always tries to shoulder his own burdens alone, bottling up all the pain he has deep inside. Before he realized it, he'd become used to the pain, and his insides were covered in scars. He thinks there's nothing he can do about his situation, so he's just given up. But I want to protect him from whoever tries to hurt him.
Hey, Senpai… You might not know it, but I have feelings for you. I love you. You might think that what we have is fake, but…
Yeah. My feelings are real.
“Uh, sorry. I didn’t really hear what you just said,” he said, looking at me perplexed.
Of course he hadn’t—the train had drowned out everything I said. I was fine with that, though.
I hadn’t seen him in over a week, and I had all of these feelings bottled up inside of me. So when I finally saw him, I just kinda lost control. I'd just been a bundle of nerves, and before I could stop myself, I ended up confessing! But I think that was the best way to do it… I wanted to let everything out without letting him know. I'm scared of our relationship changing, of destroying everything we've built up. I like what we have right now too much.
I wanted to tell him how I really feel, but it's fine if I have to wait a little while longer. I mean, in the end, it's just another one of my stupid whims. I'm the only one who has anything to gain from it.
I looked at him and sank into thought again.
What if I just repeated myself without having the train drowning me out? What would happen? Would he reciprocate? Would he be happy? Would he be weirded out?
I mean, there's a chance he might accept my feelings. Maybe. Then again, I’m nothing but a bitchy, cocky, crude girl. There’s also a pretty high chance he wouldn't share my feelings.
In the past, I asked him to continue being my fake boyfriend until he was tired of it. I did because I was hoping that, eventually, he'd get tired of this and want to move to the real thing.
I know it's nothing more than the small, silly dream of a naive girl who barely knows anything about love or the world in general.
I know I’m being unfair to him, that I’m just taking advantage of his kindness. That I'm just dragging this relationship on so I can pretend that we’re real, even though that’s nothing close to the truth.
Please forgive me. One day, for sure, I’ll tell you about my feelings. Until then, let me just have a little bit more time. Let's just stay like this for a little longer, okay?
Well, that's how I feel. I'm not brave enough to say them out loud yet, but until the moment I can...
“Nuh-uh. It’s a secret!”
I can keep them hidden inside for just a little longer, can’t I?
Afterword
For those of you who've just read this story for the first time, it’s nice to meet you! For those of you who've been following the story from the web novel and also got your hands on the book, hi there! Sekaiichi here.
Ever since May 2018, I've been writing, uploading, and updating this novel, chapter by chapter, on the site “Shousetsuka ni Narou.” It's thanks to the huge amount of support it gathered that it got a proper official release. I’m truly thankful to everyone for this.
Well, then—for those of you who've come from the web novel version, you might have noticed how I sound more relaxed and less hyped-up than usual. No need for alarm; I actually did it on purpose. I just figured that if I went with my usual over-the-top prose in the afterword and went by my full pen name, it'd just feel really out of place… especially after reading the novel. Thus, we have this more serious afterword as a result.
If you’re interested in reading the unaltered version of my afterword, I invite you to give it a gander at my bulletin board in “Shousetsuka ni Narou.” I’ll post an update June 25th, for those who are curious. (If you’re only sorta serious about it, though, I don’t really recommend it—it’ll definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth.)
Just trust me on this one, guys. I don’t really care about going all out on the internet, but, after reading that last scene with Touka confessing her feelings, I’d only be doing you guys a disservice by writing something less serious.
Anyways, let’s skip ahead to thanking people now.
To my editor, the one who encouraged me and gave me lots of advice: thank you. I don’t think that I would’ve been able to make something people would’ve liked reading without you. Here’s hoping we can continue working together.
I want to thank Tomari-sensei for creating those amazing illustrations. I’m madly in love with Kana-chan (gotta love her big boobs) and Haruma-kun, who looks exactly as I imagined. He's your stereotypical good-looking guy. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like the other characters, either—I think they’re charming, as well! Here’s hoping you can keep up the good work!
I also want to thank the sales staff, the bookshop retailers, the book designers, the QA team, and everyone else! Thanks to everyone, we’ve managed to make an amazing novel! Thank you!
Last, but not least… I want to thank YOU, the one who purchased this book. Thank you so much! I’ve given this volume my all, so I hope you like it! I intend to keep working on this, so here’s hoping you like future volumes as well!
I hope we can meet again in the next volume! Nothing else would make me happier!
Sekaiichi.
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