If Only Monday Would Wait for My Problems
“Thank you for walking me back. Do you think you could stop by Daiki’s grave sometime? I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”
“Sure... Once we have everything sorted out between us, anyway. If I went now, he’d probably end up just as confused as you were when we first met back up again.”
“Heh, I suppose that’s true.” She smiled, then began to turn. “Well then—good night, Kunugi-kun.” With those parting words, Kiryu vanished into her home.
By that point, it was already eight in the evening, meaning we’d spent almost the entire day together. I’m just glad I managed to get her home safe and sound, all things considered. I was about to return to my own apartment and finally get some decent sleep when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
“Hello?”
“Good evening, Senpai!” It was Hikari. Her timing was so impeccable, I started to worry she might’ve been spying on me from somewhere. “The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”
“Too bad for you, Little Miss Shut-in. It’s actually overcast.” I didn’t think she meant it literally, to be clear—even I got that reference. Ayase brought out the Soseki cannon, but unfortunately for her, it misfired. C’mon, you could’ve at least checked the weather online before you tried to play that card!
“A-Anyway, moving on!” She cleared her throat, trying to reset the conversation. Not that there’d been much of a conversation to reset in the first place, at that point. “You sound like you’re in a pretty great mood, aren’tcha?” Am I? News to me. “Does that mean you solved your problem?”
“Yeah, I guess.” I wouldn’t necessarily have called it solved, but we’d at least taken a step forward. Things were getting better. From my perspective, anyway. “Guess you deserve credit for it too. Thanks, Ayase.”
“W-Well, I suppose you owe me one.” She sounded so bashful, I couldn’t help but laugh. “What?” she continued, a bit indignantly.
“Nothing, really. Just kinda funny to hear you all embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed!” she protested.
“Yeah, sure you aren’t.”
“I’m not, really!”
I chuckled for a moment, then stopped, leaning up against a nearby guardrail. “Hey, Ayase?”
“What...?”
“Come back to school, already.” I waited for a moment, but she didn’t reply. “It’s only been a week since you stopped going. The longer you wait, the harder it’s gonna be to come back, y’know?”
“I know! I know, but... I’m scared.”
Scared—the word carried the distinct weight of truth. There was no doubt in my mind that she was being completely sincere. But she’d hesitated to say it. She’d taken the time to choose her words carefully. I was convinced that there was something else to the situation, some reason for her truancy that she couldn’t bring herself to tell me.
“You sure you’re okay with this?”
“Okay with what?”
“If you don’t show up to school, I’ll, umm—ah, I know! I’ll take the chance to interrogate your friends and learn all your deepest, darkest secrets! Mwa ha ha ha!”
“As if! I doubt you know a single one of my friends... Oh, wait, I guess you said you know Yuu-chan, didn’t you?”
“Yuu-chan? Who?”
Ayase sighed so deeply, I could feel her exasperation through the phone. “Yoshiki Yuu-chan?”
“Oooh, right, her! Yeah, I know her! She’s that one girl, probably.”
“Do you really know who I’m talking about?”
“Yeah, ’course I do, she’s, y’know... Look, I’m picturing her right now, I swear.” I had an abnormally short silhouette in mind. Yup, that’s her, no doubt about it.
“I guess I’ll have to contact Yuu-chan and tell her she’s under a gag order, in that case.”
“Hah, nice try! Too bad for you, though—the shrimp’s already eating from the palm of my hand! Almost literally!”
“Wha—that’s not fair! I’m the one who gets to share lunches with her!”
“How long’s she been begging for food?!” No wonder she’s such a scrawny little twig! It’s tragic, really. I decided to grab an extra-large helping for her next lunchtime. “But whatever, who cares about that munchkin? Point is, if you don’t come to school soon, I’ll make sure to expose absolutely everything you’ve kept hidden!”
“What are you, a pervert?”
“That’s right—if you don’t wanna get lumped in with that pervy old man, you’d better fight back while you have the chance! Mwa ha ha ha ha!” Actually, wait. Wouldn’t I be the one that gets lumped in with him? I didn’t think this through.
“That—let’s see here—one: is incredibly unscrupulous of you; two: definitely counts as sexual harassment; and three: is scummy in just about every possible way I can imagine.” Ayase sighed again. I could practically feel her breath against my ear, and it sorta tickled. “But fine, go ahead. Do your worst!”
It almost sounded like she was trying to provoke me. She wasn’t done there, though.
“You’re supporting me, right, Senpai? It only makes sense that you’d take the initiative to go out and gather all the information you can!” She sounded almost elated as she prattled on. She was trying to put on a show of not being worried, but it was super obvious she was flustered.
“You’d better not underestimate me, y’know? Sure, my brain and most of my body’s on a perfectly-average-high-schooler level, but I’ll have you know my legs are a whole different matter!”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Worst-case scenario, I’ll just barge into your class and kick the gossip out of ’em! I mean literally, like, run on in and go ‘let’s play soccer—you’re the ball!’ Then I’ll punt ’em straight out the window!”
“Don’t. No, really, don’t.”
I mean, it’s not like I wanted to, but desperate times call for desperate measures! And those were definitely desperate times, right? Right?
“I mean, I get it. My special combo-shot is powerful enough to make the ball burst into actual flames. I’d be worried if I were in your position too.”
“How are you supposed to kick a combo-shot by yourself?”
“I have two legs! I’ll make it work.”
“I’m imagining you trying to pull that off right now, and it’s the stupidest image. Only you, Senpai.”
“Stupid?! No way, it’d be super cool! Ridiculously cool! Keep your lackluster mental images away from my fantasy!”
“Using a person as a ball rules out you being cool on a basic level.”
Yup! Agreed! No argument there!
“...Okay, fine. I’ll hold off on using your classmates as soccer balls, at least until I see how things develop.”
“Seriously, do not, okay? I’m only being this insistent because I honestly wouldn’t put it past you.”
“What kind of guy do you think I am?” Come to think of it, I did kick that old streaker right in front of her. Sent him flying a full several meters too. On the other hand, he was more or less ball-shaped already. I bet if I looked up his family history I’d discover he was half man, half soccer ball. “Anyway, we’re getting way off-topic. Point is, I owe you one for today.”
“I didn’t do anything in particular though?”
Damn, this girl’s cool as ice! If I were in her position, I’d totally use my gratitude as an excuse to shake me down for everything I’m worth. I’m talking extortion city! That said, she did say that I owed her one a minute ago. I hadn’t forgotten about that.
“Well, if you insist that you owe me a favor, let’s see... Call me ‘Hikari’ from now on and we’ll call it even, okay?”
“Nope. Rejected.”
“Whaaat?!”
Ha ha ha ha! Mooooron! I’d have to be some sorta protagonist to fall for a line like that! I’m a self-proclaimed sidekick, lady! I’m aiming to win the Olympic gold medal for best-friending someday! You really think I’d let you raise your affection points with me that easily? Dream on! Besides, calling you by your first name is the exclusive privilege of your older brother, no matter what the affection points say. No way I’d even attempt to rival Kaito’s calling-people-by-their-first-name abilities!
Listen up, Ayase the Younger: best friend sidekick characters are basically trees. Their job’s to sit in the background, entirely immobile, so that the main characters have a place to return to when they need some peace of mind. That’s the reality of being a best friend!
“Look, Ayase, I already decided ages ago how I’m gonna pay you back.”
“I know what you’re thinking...and that’s just not something you can manage, Senpai.”
“It’s not up to you.”
“Senpai...”
“’Course, it’s not up to me either.”
“Senpai?!”
“Wait. Huh?” I realized a critical flaw in this plan. “Who is it up to, then?”
“Why are you asking me?!”
Seriously, though, who? Can’t be me, that’s for sure. For one thing, I’m not even in the same grade as her. I don’t exactly have many options when it comes to intervening in her situation. It’d have to be somebody closer to her... Yuuta’s right out, unfortunately. She doesn’t have what it takes to pull it off, and even if she tried, she’d inevitably get carted in seconds. I’ll have somebody else help me hunt this monster, thanks—you get to go on standby back in base camp.
“Your teacher, I guess...?”
“Nobody likes a tattletale.”
“The student council?”
“That’s waaay too much of an escalation, don’t you think?” Ayase hesitated just a moment before that reply. That convinced me: there was definitely some reason she didn’t want me to talk to the council. Not gonna lie, having to deal with their leader wasn’t great for me either, but beggars can’t be choosers and you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs, or whatever.
“That settles it! I’mma snitch to the student council president. She’ll totally help me out if I tell her it’s for the Ayase siblings’ sake! I can’t stand her myself, but she definitely means well!”
“Don’t! Really! Please, don’t!”
“If you don’t want me to, then just come to school.”
“But...”
“I mean, not like I’m gonna enact this plan right away. You’ve got plenty of time to mull it over. It’ll get harder and harder to come back, like I said, but summer vacation’s right around the corner anyway, so you can just say you went on break a bit early and make up for your time off in summer school! I’m technically already signed up for it myself, so I can even keep you company!”
Granted I didn’t actually know how summer school worked and wasn’t sure if we’d even be in the same room, but I could at least walk with her to and from school. I dunno if that really counts as keeping her company during makeup lessons though... Y’know what, I’m just not gonna think about it.
“Anyway,” I continued, “don’t worry—you’re in good hands!”
“I am incredibly worried.”
“Being worried’s just a step away from being excited, right?”
“You’re starting to sound desperate.”
She, meanwhile, was finally starting to get fed up with my antics. Sheesh—wait, nope, can’t say that. Saying “sheesh” at a time like this would earn me unwanted protagonist points!
“Anyway,” I continued, “consider yourself fairly warned, and prepare for the consequences!”
“I’ll think about it,” she huffed. Did I put her in a bad mood? Unfortunate, but it had to be done.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now.”
“All right. Good night, Senpai!”
“Night.”
I never know whether to hang up the phone myself or wait for the person I’m talking with to handle it, but in that case she didn’t seem especially opposed to the conversation ending, so I went ahead and took the initiative to cut the call. This probably means I’m bad at communicating with people, huh? Teach me your ways, O masters of socialization—if those are even a thing!
“Guess I might as well head home.” It had been a tiring day in all sorts of ways, but I wasn’t too torn up about it. It was still Saturday, and that meant that I could sleep all the way until noon the day after! Having found my slothful resolve, I finally started off on the trek home.
(insert scene transition sound effect here)
Time flew on by, and Monday arrived! I knew I’d be in serious trouble if I was late again after last week, so I made absolutely certain to wake up at a decent hour and arrive at school precisely when I was supposed to. Let me put this on the record for the sake of my public image: I’m almost never late for school, honestly! I spent most of Sunday catching up on sleep, just to make sure!
Sunday is also known as the day of the Sabbath. God rested on the seventh day after the world’s creation, apparently, and that’s where Sundays come from. If even God needs a day to rest after six days on the clock, it goes without saying that a pathetic, piddling little human like me would need one too.
That said, the feeling of waking up on Sunday and realizing it’s already the evening, well, sucks. Like, a lot. And that’s not even considering the fact that Sunday evening is a cursed time of the week when you can practically hear Monday morning looming off in the distance, rapidly growing closer and closer. I figure God probably gets depressed about having to go back to work on Monday too, and that gloom probably spreads out over the entire world as a result. They say mankind was made in God’s image, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, after all.
“Mornin’,” I grumbled as I plodded into the classroom, not particularly ready for the five days of miserable toil that were sure to follow. A number of students were already inside.
“Morning, Kou!” replied Kaito, who was one of those already present students.
“G’morning, Kunugicchi!” chirped Kotou, who was another of them. Which should’ve been weird, considering she was in a totally different class, but somehow she was fitting in just fine. She does have friends in her own class too, right? I really worry about that girl sometimes.
“Hey, do you have a minute, Kou?”
“Huh?”
Kaito had been talking with Kotou at the time I showed up, but he immediately broke off that conversation to strike one up with me instead. Really, dude? You’re not supposed to prioritize your sidekick over your heroines! I didn’t have a good excuse to turn him down though, so I dropped my bag off at my desk, then followed him out into the hallway. Kaito had only mentioned me, but Kotou came along with us, so I assumed that they’d already discussed whatever it was he wanted me for.
“I was just talking with Tsumugi about this,” began Kaito, confirming my suspicions. “It’s about Hikari.”
“Hikari, Hikari... Oh, right, isn’t that your sister?”
“Yeah. It looks like she hasn’t been going to school lately...” Umm?! Kaito?! You seriously just noticed that?! “You get along with her pretty well, right, Kou? I thought she might’ve mentioned something about it to you.”
I “get along with her pretty well,” huh? Sort of a weird thing for him to assume, given that as far as he knew, the only time I really got to talk with her was the time I picked up my bag from their house... Though upon further consideration, I realized that he might’ve known that she’d been calling me on the phone every night since then. Wow, she really has been calling me every night, hasn’t she? That’s kinda disquieting.
I was getting sidetracked and still hadn’t figured out how to answer his question. Judging by the way Ayase the Younger talked about the issue, it seemed pretty obvious that she didn’t want all the details getting spread around. That applied to both the pervert incident and the as-of-yet undetermined problems she was having at school. That being said, I thought it would be more appropriate for Kaito to hear about them from his sister herself, rather than from me.
I was a bit worried about whether or not Kaito had it in him to be proactive when it came to her, but in the best-case scenario, I figured this could be a fantastic opportunity for her to open up to him. Yeah, it had to be! A heroine confiding her secret worries to the protagonist is a major, unmissable event! Like hell I’d ruin it by jumping the gun and spilling the beans!
“Nah, nothing in particular,” I lied. In my defense, lying was the only option I had left.
“Nothing? Well, thanks anyway...”
“I still can’t believe Hikari-chan would skip school!” Kotou jumped into the exchange. Considering she was Kaito’s childhood friend, it made total sense that she’d be acquainted with his sister as well. Kotou made it sound like her skipping school was totally unfathomable, which checked out in my mind as well. She was the reliable, put-together honor student type of character, after all.
On the flip side, you see the “she was such a kind, gentle girl! I can’t believe she’d commit such a terrible crime!” pattern in interviews on TV all the time. Just because you think you’re super close to someone doesn’t mean they don’t have a side or two they keep hidden from you. It was possible that all of us were being too narrow-minded, too convinced that our impression of her was perfectly representative of her in totality.
“Why not ask Kazuki?” I suggested. “She’s in the same grade as your sister, right?”
Kazuki was a first-year girl who was on the track team and happened to be in love with Kaito. Not much else to say on the matter, honestly—she was a kouhai-type heroine who I have yet to get the chance to introduce properly. Incidentally, the moment I mentioned Kazuki’s name, Kotou’s face twitched for just the slightest fraction of a second. Envy’s one of the seven deadly sins for a reason, I guess... But she needs to remember that Kazuki’s her kouhai! Try not to go overboard on the underclassmen, Kotou!
All ulterior motives aside, I legitimately thought that talking to her was a pretty good idea. Putting aside the pervert problem, if Kaito wanted to learn about the troubles his sister was going through in school, someone with firsthand experience of her classroom environment would be the best person to turn to for info. I knew I might end up putting in a bit of work myself, but I really did think that things would wrap up nice and neatly if Kaito would be the one to properly solve the problem.
“Oh, yeah, I should probably try asking her. I don’t think she’s in Hikari’s class, though, so I’m not sure if they see each other very often...”
Oh, right. Just because they were in the same grade didn’t mean they’re in the same class. That changed things substantially. Guess I’ll have to rely on that stupid little shrimp after all? Man, this sucks.
“Good morning. What are the three of you doing out in the corridor?” All three of us sunk into silence, pondering our various predicaments, when suddenly a girl addressed us from somewhere behind me. Her notably chilling voice was incredibly distinct, and I didn’t even have to turn around to know who it was.
“Oh, hey, Kyouka! Morning!”
“...Good morning, Kiryu-san.”
“’Sup.”
It could only be Kiryu Kyouka, and as usual, Kotou’s mood took a nosedive the second she entered the picture. Keep calm, Kotou! Deep breaths!
“How strange,” Kiryu continued.
“What is?” I replied.
“I wouldn’t think anything of Ayase-kun and Kotou-san being out here together, but with you added into the picture, Kunugi-kun, I can’t help but feel unsettled.”
“Wow, talking crap already? Really? Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed!”
“I’m just telling the truth.”
“Just because you’re right doesn’t mean it’s a nice thing to say!”
As always, I got brutally teased first thing in the morning. That’s just the sort of character I am. Incidentally, I wasn’t especially surprised to see that Kiryu was treating me the same way she always did, in spite of everything that had happened between us over the weekend. We didn’t specifically plan to keep things the same way as always or anything. It was more that after everything we’d been through, acting all calm and polite around each other at school would just feel...off. In short, I was totally okay with keeping things as they were.
Kaito had no idea about any of that, of course, and rolled his eyes in a “you people never change” sort of way. Weirdly enough, though, I couldn’t say the same of Kotou. She was looking back and forth between Kiryu and me, her eyes wide with disbelief.
“Umm... Kiryu-san? Can we talk?”
“What is it, Kotou-san?”
“Just c’mere, okay?”
“What? Wait, just let me drop off my bag—hey, stop pulling me!”
And they’re off. The heck was that? The opening salvo in a war between women? Wouldn’t it be better to wait until the other heroines are around for something like that?
“Wonder what that was all about,” pondered Kaito.
“Good question,” I replied. Normally this is the part where I’d make a snappy quip about what a blockhead he is, but that one came so far out of left field that even I, an uninvolved third party, was totally bewildered by it. Really hard to figure these things out when you don’t even know what incited them. We stood there for a while, not sure how to react, but thinking it over wasn’t going to provide any answers. Just when I figured I should probably break the silence, Kaito beat me to the punch.
“Hikari’s pretty tough, y’know?”
Part of me wanted to say “Wow, where’d that come from?” or something to that effect, but Kaito’s tone seemed sad—almost lonely, somehow. I decided not to interrupt.
“It’s been quite a long while since our parents got shipped out overseas. They come back a couple times a year, sure, but it’s been that way since I was in middle school, and she was still in elementary school. I was supposed to be there to protect her; it was my big, important duty. But when it came down to it, I think she was still at the age where she wanted her parents around to dote on her.”
Really, though, where is this coming from? This kind of conversation is supposed to happen somewhere, y’know, atmospheric! At the very least they’re sure as hell not supposed to happen in a crowded, bustling hallway right before the first class of the day.
“To be honest, Hikari’s always really had it together, even when she was just a kid. I...”
You what? I waited, but he never finished the thought. He hung his head for a moment, his expression somehow wistful, and yet at the same time totally unreadable. By the time he looked up again, though, he was back to his usual smile.
“Thanks, Kou.”
“Huh? For what?”
“I get the feeling Hikari really trusts you. Pretty sure you two’ve been keeping secrets from me, haven’tcha?”
“Huh? Wha?”
What’s happening? What kind of crazy turn did the conversation take to end up here? What’s going on?! Director?! What’s my line?!
“If it’s all for Hikari’s sake, though, I’m fine with that. Gotta admit, it makes me a bit sad, but sometimes an older brother just has to sit back and watch over his sister without sticking his nose into her business.”
His smile was tinged with a forlorn understanding. Just how much does he know? Wasn’t he supposed to be on the super thickheaded end of the protagonist spectrum?!
“If there was anything at all I could do for Hikari, I’d do it. It’s an older brother thing, y’know? But right now, all I can do is ask for your help. I want you to support her. I can rest easy if you’re there for her, Kou.”
—I can rest easy if you’re there for her, Koh.
A piercing jolt of pain shot through my skull. A powerful sense of déjà vu overcame me as well—or rather, déjà entendu, since it was auditory. They really were similar, brother and sister alike. But why? Why did he have to do the same thing all over again?
“You’re really overestimating me,” I said, unable to stop myself. “I’m not the guy for the job. I can’t.”
I’d already made that mistake. I’d already failed. My best friend had already entrusted his sister to me, and I had already lost her once before. There was no way in hell I’d ever let myself choose that path again. I couldn’t bring myself to bear that burden once more—not knowing what would happen if I screwed it up again.
“Kou...?”
Kaito stared at me in shock. He probably never even considered that I might say no. After all, I’d never turned down a sincere request of his before. Saving the protagonist’s sister would be an incredible honor! Indeed, it’d be the most effective way imaginable to prove my worth as his best friend! But talking to her on the phone every day and laying the groundwork for her problems’ resolution was seriously the best I could do. And for the record, I was already pretty much bleeding myself dry to do it. It was not easy!
My goals were specific and limited: help Ayase Hikari’s social rehabilitation and eliminate the problems she was facing at school. Everything after that was up to her. Taking responsibility for her well-being beyond that was beyond me.
“You said you’d do anything for her, right? Then what’re you thinking, asking someone else to save her instead of you? That’s a major role, y’know?”
Speaking as Kaito’s best friend/sidekick, that was the only answer I could possibly give him. The situation was tricky, but still, I had to give him that push.
“Yeah... You’re right.” Kaito glanced away as he agreed. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the time to assess the emotions packed into the gesture before we were interrupted.
“We’re baaack!”
Kotou and Kiryu returned, and the heavy pall that hung over Kaito and me dispersed with their coming.
“What were you guys up to?” Kaito immediately brightened his tone back up, shaking off his dark mood from the prior moment. I still couldn’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if our conversation had continued uninterrupted, but I followed his example and turned to face the girls. Kotou was positively beaming, while in contrast Kiryu looked exhausted and was massaging her temples. What? Okay, seriously, what happened between those two?
“Oho, nothing, really! Right, Kyouka-chan?”
“R-Right, yes.” Something felt different about their attitudes towards each other.
“All right, time to head back to class! Laters!” Kaito and I were still deeply confused, but the main culprit behind whatever the hell that was skipped off towards her own classroom before we could question her further.
“What was that about?”
“Good question...”
Kotou left in the highest of spirits, Kiryu looked mentally drained as she staggered back into our classroom, and Kaito and I could only scratch our heads in bewilderment as we watched them go.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
So that was weird as hell.
Once classes finally started, the day passed by pretty much the same way they always do. I wasn’t late, so I was spared the wrath of my homeroom’s resident witch, and I whittled the morning away in relative peace. Then, the second my lunch break began, I shot out of my classroom, making a beeline for the school store.
“Seriously?!”
How does this even happen?! It’d been less than two minutes since class ended and I thought I just might’ve been able to avoid the usual clichéd development, but alas, the store was already absolutely mobbed with students. Where the heck do these people spawn from?!
But actually, at a second glance, the crowd wasn’t quite as brutal as it usually was. So long as I didn’t let my guard down, I figured I’d be able to secure my target with ease. “Bread isn’t just food,” I told myself. “Bread is life!”
“GRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Wham! I fell (spectacularly, painfully) flat on my face.
“The friggin’ heck was that for, jerkwad?!” I shouted indignantly at the moron who’d grabbed my ankle, prompting my pratfall. I didn’t even have to look to know who it was—there was only one person who I ever encountered at the school store. “Fancy meeting you today, Steve!”
“Who the heck is Steve?!”
“Who the heck are you?! And what’ve you done to Steve?!”
“I’m Yuu! Yoshiki Yuu! I don’t even know who Steve is!”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You do?! Really?!”
“Well, I mean, yeah. Why’re you so surprised? We just met like two days ago.”
“Don’t give me that look! You don’t get to act like this is obvious! Ugh, you’re so obnoxious...”
What’s she getting all pissy about? Pretty sure I’m the one who should be mad in this situation, actually!
“Okay, so, why exactly did you grab me? If we’re playing tag, then nobody told me, and you’re doing it wrong.”
“What I wanted to tell you is that if you’re going to buy something from the store anyway, you might as well get me something too.”
“Wow. Shameless, much?”
“You’re just now noticing?”
“Why would you be proud of that?!” While we were having our little tiff, the frenzy surrounding the store was only getting worse. The odds of me successfully buying anything were effectively zero.
I shrugged. “Whatever, I’ll just go to the cafeteria.”
“What?! The cafeteria?!” Yuuta’s eyes sparkled with excitement.
“Hm? What, you wanna go too?”
“Can I?!”
“Yeah, sure. Can’t exactly stop you; I don’t own the place.”
“Woo-hoo! Free lunch!”
“Hold up, I didn’t say anything about treating you!”
“Woo-hoo! Free lunch!” Yuuta kept repeating the same line like an obnoxious toy with a broken voice box. Actually, I think her brain was broken from the very beginning... She dragged me towards the cafeteria, all the while singing an unspeakably annoying tune to herself that went something along the lines of, “Lunch, lunch, free lunch! Lunch, lunch...” and so on, ad nauseam.
The cafeteria was usually pretty crowded as well, but it wasn’t even close to the extent that the school store was. The line moved at a pretty reasonable pace too. The only obstacle was the lack of seating. In that respect, the students who brought their lunch from home once again came out on top. And so, we arrived at the ever-popular—
“We’re heeere!” Yuuta leapt into the cafeteria with a shout, shamelessly cutting off my internal monologue, and marched right over to an unoccupied ticket machine, pulling me along with her.
“I’m gonna get a large-sized set!” she exclaimed. It was more of a demand than a request, really. The large-sized sets were stupidly expensive for a school cafeteria too—a full eight hundred yen! That’s the sort of price working adults pay for their lunches (it was big enough to satisfy a working adult, to be fair). The normal-sized sets were only five hundred yen, so you could get eight of them for the same price as eating big sets for a school week.
“C’mon, just get the normal one. The big set is too expensive, and I bet you couldn’t even finish it.”
“Nuh-uh, I totally can!”
“Don’t ‘nuh-uh’ me, you greedy little pipsqueak! It’s my five hundred yen, so you’re getting the regular set! I’m not treating you to anything more than that!”
“So you’ll treat me to the regular set? I’m holding you to that!”
“Wait, crap!” I accidentally agreed to pay for her food! She purposefully went for the most expensive thing on the menu to make paying for something cheap seem reasonable in comparison! This girl’s a genuine tactician! Beneath that unassuming and extremely short exterior lurks the mind of Zhuge Liang!
“Dammit, I’ve been had. This is what happens when you don’t know your enemy... It’s true that the ignorant have to fight to win...”
“Yeah, and the wise win before they fight at all!”
“Yeah, and you’re supposed to detach from your desires too! Get rid of your food fixations!”
I bought set meal tickets for Zhuge Liang—ahem, for Yuuta and myself, and headed over to the counter to turn them in and pick up our food. I’m not the type to back out of a promise once I’ve given my word. Kunugi Kou is a man of honor!
“Here’s yours. Carry it yourself,” I said as I passed Yuuta her tray.
“Okaaay!”
“Hey, don’t run! You’re totally gonna trip!”
Yuuta replied with a big, exaggerated nod, then started walking around to find us some seats. Meanwhile, I got to follow along at a leisurely pace behind her, sneaking the occasional bite of my still piping hot lunch. Mwa ha ha—I’ve spared myself the effort of finding a seat (though I at least grabbed us a couple glasses of water to make up for it)! There was simply no way she’d find seats that easily, considering how popular the cafeteria was! Worst-case scenario, we might end up standing around for ages and waiting for someone else to leave!
“Kunugi-saaaan! Over heeeere!”
No sooner had I thought that than the scout-shrimp somehow managed to find a spot for us with incredible ease and waved me down. O-Okay, gotta admit, finding seats that quickly’s really something. I’m actually sort of impressed.
“Nice work, mini-minion! Gotta hand it to you, that was... Hmm?”
She was standing by a four-person table, and two of its seats were already occupied.
“They said they didn’t mind if we take the other two!”
“What? No, wait! Hey!”
The plate on my tray clattered as my hands started to tremble.
“What’re you waiting for, Kunugi? Not gonna sit?” one of the two asked.
“Oh, I was wondering who it might be. If it isn’t Kunugi-kun!” the other commented.
Sharing a table was totally fine with me on principle. Sharing a table with them, on the other hand, would pose a problem. One of them was the old bag herself, Daimon-sensei, and the other was a half-Japanese girl with instantly identifiable long, wavy blonde hair. It was our school’s resident princess...
“Myourenji Renge...”
“Oh? You’re calling me by my name now?”
“N-No way, of course not, Miss President! Why, I’d never dream of being that rude, nuh-uh! Aha ha ha!”
I laughed, doing my best to act casual and/or suck up to her. The shorty to my right gaped at me in astonishment, the student council president kept her eyes firmly fixed upon me in a stare so sharp it was pretty much a glare, and my teacher was just plain old smirking. It was a tableful of chaos. I knew that the moment I sat down, I’d be dooming myself to a terrible fate of death by teasing. A new shut-in was sure to be born that day.
“Hey, Yoshiki-kun?”
“What is it, Kunugi-san? Considering you called me by my actual name, I’m guessing you’re about to tell me you just saw a flying pig?”
“Save the played-out comebacks for later, thanks! Take another look at that table, okay? It’s obvious that Sensei and the president are busy, right? See how none of the other students are trying to take those seats? They’re trying to be considerate!”
“What? No, we’re not,” interjected Daimon-sensei. “Besides, this is a public space for students. If you want to sit down, that’s your prerogative.”
“S-Sensei...”
She’s right! But for the record, being right doesn’t always mean you’re doing the right thing! This is why you can’t find someone to marry, you stupid sophist!
“She’s right, Kunugi-san! And if she says so herself, I don’t see any problems. Can I sit next to you, Sensei?”
N-No, shorty, stop! At least take the seat next to the president!
“How long do you plan to keep standing there, Kunugi-kun? You realize you’re blocking the other students’ paths, right?” the president smiled in a way that just screamed “I am absolutely faking this smile and I don’t care if you know it.” It was a smile that told me that I’d lost.
I told Ayase the Younger that I’d tattle on her to the president, but when I was actually forced to stand face-to-face with her, I couldn’t bring myself to even consider it. I was just that bad at dealing with her—or rather, I just couldn’t stand her. I had zero intention of digging into my beef with her in the middle of the cafeteria, though, and I imagined she felt the same way. I just had to keep quiet and ride out the lunch break as well as I could.
“...Mind if I sit next to you, President?”
“Not in the least,” she replied with a smile (though I got the feeling that wasn’t how she actually felt). The instant I took a seat, I caught a big old whiff of what I assumed was the perfume she was wearing. All I could do was keep my gaze fixed straight ahead on my teacher and the munchkin beside her, which wasn’t exactly much of a consolation, to say the least.
On one hand, a little girl (supposedly only one year younger than me), and on the other an old lady (supposedly somewhere around thirty)... Actually, wait. No comment on the runtling, but when I really thought about it, it occurred to me that if Daimon-sensei weren’t such a hardass she’d be a genuinely attractive lady. I had a feeling that her personality would probably be a lot less conspicuous mid-meal too... And if you have to choose between a kitten and a cougar, the latter is the ethically correct choice. Crap... Feels like I’m on a fast-track to the (unrequited) teacher route...
“By the way, you two,” Yuuta began, “is that the super-large set you’re eating?”
What?! You mean the cafeteria menu’s most legendary item, the two-thousand-yen super-large set?! I thought it was a myth!
“Yeah, it is. It’s my first time trying it, though,” replied Daimon-sensei with a smile.
“Indeed. Sebastian was on holiday today, so I decided to give the cafeteria a try for once.” The President’s reply, in contrast, carried the implication that she’d never eat this commoner food under ordinary circumstances. See, this is a perfect example. I’m in camp Sensei, all the way.
“That’s incredible! Kunugi-san’s so stingy, he’d only treat me to the regular-sized set.”
“Oh my, that won’t do, Kunugi-kun! You simply mustn’t deny a growing girl the nutrients she needs. No wonder her development is so stunted!”
“That’s right! You’d better listen to the president, Kunugi-san!” You realize that she just implied you were my pet, right? Don’t let her calm and gentle demeanor fool you!
Daimon-sensei, meanwhile, was muttering something about how she always gets the regular set herself, her eyes glassy and dead inside. No, come back to us, Sensei! We’re all getting swept up in the president’s spoiled-rich-girl flow, but getting the regular set’s nothing to be ashamed about! Being economical with your meal planning’s a sign that you have your life together, if anything!
“And yet I see you’ve gotten an extra-large helping of rice with your own meal.” The President was still smiling, but her words were full of undisguised contempt.
“S-So what if I did?! I’m gonna eat it all, and they don’t charge more for extra rice! It just so happens that my favorite foods are rice and more rice!”
“Pathetic, truly...” she sighed. You super-large types could never understand the struggles of a regular! And hold on a sec, why’re you giving me that look, shorty?! You got an extra-large serving of rice too! You’re not allowed to jump on this bandwagon!
“Now, now. Myourenji. You don’t have to be that hard on him.”
Daimon-sensei jumped in to pacify the president and save me... Hah, as if! In reality, she was almost definitely just upset to see the five hundred yen regular set that she always ordered get made fun of. Still, comparing her to the president was like comparing night and day. Never thought that coming here would end up earning Sensei points in my book, but these things happen, I guess. Anyway, this is my chance, so might as well get this over with.
“Umm, do you have a minute, President? There’s something I wanted to ask you.”
“I’m quite busy, as it so happens.”
“’Kay, never mind then.”
My policy with her’s to back off without hesitation the second I get turned down. She’s the one person I just can’t be persistent with. Oooh, what a shame, couldn’t ask about Ayase! Too bad, so sad, whatever shall I do?
“Wow, Kunugi-san, that was super lame!” Yuuta ribbed.
“Shut it, shortstuff! And don’t talk with your mouth full!”
“What are you, my mom?”
“No, I’m your dad! I mean—no, I’m not that either!”
“You just never stop, do you...?” Aww, man! Now even my beloved Sensei’s fed up with me! Thanks a lot, munchkin!
“Really, he’s unbelievable. I could hardly enjoy my tea while being subjected to this racket.” The President stood up, and I wanted to comment about how the cafeteria’s not the place to leisurely sip a cup of tea in the first place, but I held back so as to not hold her back. She was taking herself out of the picture, and I was thoroughly okay with that. Actually, forget “okay”—I was friggin’ stoked! Woo-hoo! Being loud and obnoxious totally paid off! My glorious victory was indisputable and overwhelming! I did a mental happy dance.
“If you have something to speak with me about, send me a text message. I’ll spare the time to read it, at the very least.” As she passed by me, the president paused for just long enough to whisper into my ear, quietly enough to be certain that only I could hear her. She pulled it off super smoothly too, but that wasn’t exactly surprising. I’d always figured she was good at keeping secrets and moving behind the scenes.
“Something going on between you and Myourenji, Kunugi?” asked Daimon-sensei.
“What do you mean, ‘something’?”
“Seems pretty obvious you’ve got beef with each other. And besides, why do you two—”
“Nope, nothing in particular!” I cut her off, then shoveled food into my mouth to further distract from the question. Daimon-sensei gave me a doubtful glare, but luck was on my side. And by “luck” I mean “Yuuta.”
“Mbbwgh?! Rice! Stuck! Choking!” Yuuta, who’d been pretty much inhaling her rice, started moaning and coughing.
“What did you expect, eating that fast? Here, wash it down.” Daimon-sensei was thoroughly distracted, and began helping her clear her throat out with a glass of water. Why was she eating that fast in the first place, anyway?
“Glug, glug, glug...” she slurped, noisily. “Bwaah! Jeez, I thought I was a goner...”
“You sure you’re really a girl, shorty?”
I mean, what kind of girl nearly asphyxiates herself on plain white rice? Mochi would be one thing, but this is ridiculous! Yuuta slumped over on the table, worn out by her near-death experience.
“Well, I’d better get going,” said Daimon-sensei as she stood up. “You okay, Yoshiki? Need an ambulance?”
“I think she is probably in good health. I would jest about choking to death on rice, but this situation is not nearly humorous enough for such tomfoolery. No need to trouble yourself, Sensei—I propose we let her sort herself out in the nurse’s office.” Also, an ambulance would be overkill regardless!
“Fair enough... Why’re you talking like that, though?”
“Just trying to express my undying respect for you, Sensei!” I tried to play it casual. She was so considerate, she’d even take care of someone like Yuuta! If only I could find a way to express my reverence for her!
“You screwing with me?”
“Of course not! Why, I would never even dream of it!”
Oh, whoops. There goes that vein in her forehead. This might be bad. I momentarily forgot that she was the sort of person who really couldn’t take a joke. Riiight, that’s why she can’t find someone to marry, etc. etc.!
“Anyway, I’ve got Miss Shortypants under control. You have more important stuff to deal with, right? I’ll take her to the nurse’s office.”
“Her name’s Yoshiki, not Shortypants, but... You sure? That’d be great, actually.”
“But of course! Leave it to me!” I didn’t really think it was a big enough deal to warrant taking her to the nurse, but if I left her on her own and she happened to vanish for whatever reason, it was possible I’d end up being a suspect in the missing person case. That’s definitely not how I wanna end up on TV! Surely she’ll be safe if I shut her up in the nurse’s office. Thank goodness schools are equipped with a dedicated zone to isolate the idiots!
“All right, let’s get going, Shrimpy.”
“My name’s not Shrimpy...”
“Let’s get going, Yuuta.”
“Carry me, please...”
“Pretty calm for a girl who nearly choked to death, aren’tcha?” And why does she think she’s in a position to make demands like that, anyway? I scooped her up under an arm and carried her off.
“I changed my mind, this sucks! I look like an animal getting carried back to its cage!”
“Wow, you understand this situation better than I expected!” She was actually even easier to carry than I’d expect the average animal to be. I’d call it more of a carrying-a-bag-of-rice-under-one-arm sort of situation. Yeah, that’s not a bad image at all... Side note, you know everyone’s gonna see up your skirt if you struggle in this position, right, Yuuta?
“I’m being violated!” she protested.
“Do you have to say it like that?! Phrasing!” Thank goodness we were in a pretty unpopulated part of the school! I wouldn’t be able to go out in public if people thought I was into little girls like her! “I’m not even a teeny, tiny bit interested in you! You’ve got the figure of a piece of tissue paper! I’m into, like, mature girls with curves and stuff!”
“You mean like the president?”
“She’s an exception.” She had curves for days, sure, and was awfully pretty to boot, but her personality was a dealbreaker. Her perfume too. And the way she talks? Can’t stand it. Yup, three strikes, she’s out!
“You’re really picky, aren’t you, Kunugi-san?”
“Feeling judgmental, huh?”
“Nuh-uh, no way, don’t be ridonculous!”
“I swear, the way you talk gets weirder by the minute...”
“It’s an important part of my identity!”
“God, I can feel my brain cells dying with every sentence!” I don’t even know why I bother talking with this chick. She’s seriously gonna drive me crazy if I don’t hand her off to someone else soon!
“’Scuse me! Is the nurse...?” I glanced around. “Nnnope, no sign of her.”
“Sob, sniff...” she dramatized. “Now that I’m trapped in here with Kunugi-san, surely he’ll strip me down and do all sorts of horrible things to me!”
“Can you not?”
“Yeah, okay!” Yuuta finally calmed down, and I tossed her onto the bed. Literally. She made a hilarious little grunt as she landed too.
“A’ight, I’m outta here.”
“Kunugi-san, wait!”
“What?”
“Let’s chat for a little!”
“You realize what time it is, right?” The bell had already rung, and fifth period was due to start at any second. Surely she hadn’t forgotten?
“Cut class with me!”
“Wow, way to casually suggest the absurd!” Though come to think of it, she cut class to play cards with me last week, didn’t she? She really doesn’t hesitate to ditch. Looks like I’m dealing with a real punk.
“You can tell them that my condition took a turn for the worse, and you had to treat me! How’s that for an excuse?”
“Not bad, actually.” Humans are truly weak-minded beings. Once we get an idea like cutting class in our heads, it’s incredibly difficult to let it go. And if somebody offers to take the blame for it, all the more so—maybe letting them do so’s a kindness, in a certain sense...
“So, what’d you want to talk about?”
“About Hikari-chan, actually.”
“Hikari-chan...You mean Ayase?”
“You asked me about her a few days ago, right? Well, I realized something!”
Wait, why’d her tone of voice just change all of a sudden?! She sounds almost sensible for once! Or at least, I sorta got that feeling. Could it be that she’s just pretending to be a gigantic moron most of the time, and is secretly super smart?! Is all her ridiculous babble just camouflage to disguise her true brilliance?!
“I realized that you have a crush on her! Don’t you, Kunugi-san?”
Nope, never mind, she’s a huge moron after all. But wait—even if she is misunderstanding the situation, could it be that the basic foundation of her theory’s not actually that far off the mark...?
“But now you have a thing for me too, and you’re having trouble deciding which of the girls in your life you want to pursue!”
Nope, huge moron. Confirmed.
“You don’t have to force yourself to sound smart like that, y’know? Besides, you totally slipped back into your usual moron tone without realizing it a minute ago.”
“For reals?!” she gasped, slipping back into her usual moron tone without realizing it.
“See?”
“Y-You tricked me! I was trying so hard too!” Don’t think I put enough effort into that for it to really count as trickery, honestly. Also, if that was you trying hard, you’ve got a real talent for idiocy. I think life in the big city might be a bit much for you.
“Talking about Ayase the Younger actually works out for me, though.”
“‘The Younger’?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m her older brother’s best friend, see.”
“No way!”
“Is it that surprising?”
“Not as surprising as I made it look! I actually don’t really care about your relationships at all.”
“Why you little...” If the age of corporal punishment weren’t over, she’d have definitely earned herself a smack by that point. Hold it in... It’s still too early to make an enemy of the PTA...
“But, I mean, I guess I could tell you about Hikari-chan, seeing as you’re too shy to find out yourself!”
“Could you possibly get any more condescending?”
“Come on, come on! Ask me anything!”
“Okay, what’re her measurements?”
The silence was deafening.
“...Say something.”
“Creep.”
“I’m extremely sorry!” She said I could ask her anything! Speaking as a high school boy, I was obligated to immediately take it in that direction!
“Okay, let’s start over. You told me before that Ayase’s been isolated in her class lately, right?”
She wavered for a moment. “That’s right.”
“And you’re the ringleader behind it all, right?”
“Whaaat?!”
“Huh? Am I wrong?”
“Yes! Yes, you are!”
“Yeah, figures.” The usual pattern for this sort of plot arc is that the first person you come into contact with will secretly turn out to have been the culprit the entire time. Of course, that’s just a hackneyed plot device to make stories more exciting—the real world barely ever works that way. I figured I’d take a shot at it anyway, but looks like that shot was a miss. “Sorry. Was worth a try.”
“You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“My bad, my bad.” Whoops, getting sidetracked! I just can’t have a decent conversation with Yuuta without it getting derailed. Side note, man—cutting class to chat together? I’d almost think we were friends or something, if I didn’t know better!
“I can’t say you’re completely wrong, though, I guess...”
“How’s that?”
“Hikari’s being targeted by a person who’s sorta like the class’s leader...”
A person who’s sorta like the class’s leader?! “Does this person have a sleazy-looking goatee?!”
“She’s a girl, so no, of course not.”
“Just because she’s a girl doesn’t necessarily mean we can rule the evil goatee out!” You can never be sure with these behind-the-scenes ringleader types! “This boss-lady in your class has Ayase in her sights, though? That sounds like it could be pretty nasty.”
“It’s the same old story you hear all the time—she’s been ignoring Ayase, and that pressures everyone else in the class to ostracize her too.”
“That’s just straight-up bullying!”
“It really is... Hikari-chan’s a really good girl, when you get to know her, but she’s so pretty and her grades are so great that she’s sort of intimidating and hard to talk to. I guess everyone has that same impression of her...” Yuuta squeezed the bedsheets. I could tell that she was really frustrated by the whole situation. “I’m supposed to be her friend, but I was too scared of getting targeted, and I couldn’t help her at all...” She paused, then looked up at me. “But ever since I met you, Kunugi-san, I’ve started thinking that I want to change!”
“Huh? Me?” What did I do? I’d given her a sandwich or two, and that was basically it.
“I was starving, but you were there to save me by giving me a sandwich!”
“Wait, seriously?! It was the sandwich thing?! For real?!”
“It taught me how wonderful it feels to have someone offer you help when everyone else around is ignoring you... I don’t think I could put it into better words than that.”
I had no idea she’d been that desperate. I probably should’ve just given the sandwich to her back then without subjecting her to the whole teasing process... But on the other hand, doing it that way resulted in her continuing to follow me around and sponge off me, so I guess we can call it even. If anything, I’m the one who got the short end of the stick.
“So I’ve decided that I want to be just like you and give Hikari-chan the help she needs!”
“Okay, seriously, I’m not as incredible as you’re making me out to be! I just gave it to you on impulse; it was a one-time thing!” I really don’t like how it feels when people look up to me like that. It’s sorta, I dunno, eerie? Or rather, it makes me feel guilty.
“But Hikari-chan’s not even coming to school anymore... I’m all alone now.”
“Don’t you have any friends other than Ayase?”
“No.”
“Oh.” Suddenly, I felt guilty for a whole new reason. I vaguely remembered Ayase mentioning that Yuuta actually opening up to people was really rare, or something along those lines. “Well, I mean, y’know—we’re basically friends at this point too, right?”
She looked like she was really depressed, and I couldn’t just stand there and watch. I wasn’t sure if we really were friends or not, though. Like, I’m the one who said it, but I still had to question it. We also had the whole senpai/kouhai thing going, which complicated the whole deal.
“We’re friends? You’re my friend, Kunugi-san...?” Yeah, see? I knew she’d be confused too... Wait, is she...? Whaaat?! “Sniff... Bweeehh...”
“You’re crying?!”
“I’m just...so happy, I... I’m sorry!”
“N-Nah, it’s cool...” Making friends with me made her so happy, it brought her to tears?! For the record, you’re seriously overvaluing my friendship! You’re totally on the road to a friendzone ending, y’know? My route’s hella hard to clear, y’know?! I’m the sort of person who calls people his friend for convenience’s sake when he doesn’t know how else to describe the relationship, y’know?!
I didn’t actually say any of that, of course, and just rubbed Yuuta on the back as she blubbered away. This isn’t too touchy, right? I’m not gonna get sued for sexual harassment for a back pat, am I? Oh, huh... She’s a lot warmer than I expected her to be. Oh no, this is totally veering into bad-touch territory now.
“Sniff... Your hand’s so warm...” I was just about to stop, but even as she curled herself up into a ball, Yuuta didn’t try to push me away or make any sign that she didn’t want me to touch her. I wasn’t totally sure what to do, but I decided to keep with the back-rubbing for the moment, and it wasn’t long before she’d cried herself into a deep and peaceful slumber.
That pretty much wrapped up my business in the nurse’s office, so I decided to leave her there to sleep it off and head back to class... Or at least, that was the theory.
“Wait, what? When did this happen?!” She was holding on to the hem of my uniform. And I mean, like, really clenching it, so trying to pull it out of her hand would probably mean waking her up in the process.
“Ugh... Well, whatever, I guess.”
Not even I was unprincipled enough to wake up a girl who was sleeping that peacefully. It took her about ten minutes or so to fall into a deep enough sleep that her grip loosened, and I spent that period idly messing around with my phone.
And that’s how I made my weirdest friend yet.
